Privilege and PDAs

There has been an unexpected consequence with my husband’s transition. My husband and I have always had different levels of acceptance of public displays of affection. I have always been very touchy feely. I love holding his hand, hugging him in public, holding him, etc. I do have to say I haven’t been about heavy kissing/fondling in public for many years, but the rest of it is something I have always had a high drive. I like to constantly reassure him, hold him, hug him, just touch him.

He has always been the opposite. He never really liked a lot of public displays of affection (except with the insertion of alcohol). He has always tolerated the pdas and sometimes initiates them (but much more rarely). When we were younger this did cause some conflict, but we have worked it out so I am not too pushy, and he was a bit more accepting. Also to reiterate it when I mean pushy, I mean holding hands or hugging him.

It has been like this for over twenty years, at least until the transition. Since the transition Jello hasn’t been very responsive at all to public displays of affection unless in a controlled environment, and it has diminished over the transition. I was confused at first, “why would anything change?” I would think to myself. I noticed that he didn’t want to hold my hand in areas we weren’t familiar, especially with lots of people hanging around. I was so confused, and honestly I was hurt a little bit. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to “admit” he was with me.

My husband was kind about it though and explained to me why it bothered him more. He had a history of being attacked when he was younger for similar displays. He explained the danger he faced before we got together when he (at the time appearing as a woman) would date women and be attacked by homophobic assholes. I listened to him, and I can logically understand his worry.

I guess this is where my privilege stands out is that I am a very tall and broad guy and never felt fear about anyone physically. It never even dawned on me to worry about someone else objecting to being married to another guy. 

I do admit that at first I was unhappy, and a bit resentful. It hurt that Jello didn’t want to hold hands, or hug in public areas. Then I guess I grew up a little over a few days when I realized it wasn’t me, it was about the fact that Jello is a small guy and he had a history of getting attacked when he showed any sort of same sex or alternative lifestyle. Sometimes it is hard to step out of your own point of view and take into account other people’s worries.

I realized after thinking about it, that this is also another example of my up until now the heterosexual privilege, which I hadn’t realized I had lived with until it was gone. I am not used to living an alternative lifestyle (that is obvious in the public). It honestly doesn’t bother me, and it doesn’t help the fact that I like conflict and aggression. I have no problem engaging with someone who has an issue with my lifestyle. However this puts unnecessary pressure on Jello. He hates conflict, and with his medical issues it can prove bad to give him too much anxiety. I just need to let it go. I don’t want to make his life more difficult, and I like him happy so I need to work with it.

I don’t have an answer for this, or really any sort of resolution at the moment. I just thought I would post about it. It helps to talk it out here, although I have started to ramble due to no sleep so I will cut it here. I will revisit this later.

Jello's 5 month update!

My husband’s 5 month update.

Jello passes!

Saturday was a first, the first time ever that Jello was assumed to be a boy when we went out together. 

We walked over to a local breakfast diner and sat and had brunch. It was a great time, just hanging with him is all I want to do. The meal was like normal, we joked around, talked about what we were doing later that day (also consoling each other on the cost of the recent car repair).

When Jello asked for the bill (he was taking me out), the waitress smiled and asked if we wanted separate bill for each of us. She obviously assumed Jello was a guy. It was not only the first time he had evidently passed fully (I am so proud of him) but also the first time in 21+ years of marriage that the wait staff assumed we weren't together.

He was stunned that he had passed enough to get that response. He chattered the rest of the day about it. I was very happy for him. I am so very proud of how far he has come. It was weird though, it was the first step into the LGBT+ world for me. The first time that we didn't look like boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. I am sure this is probably what gay couples go through all the time. It was an unexpected feeling, and my first symptom of some loss of privilege of being a heterosexual, Christian, white male. I might unpack that later and look at how I feel about that, but right now I am just celebrating Jello's first time passing.

I have a picture from that meal (I take lots of pictures, I need a better camera) it isn't the best photo, but this is what he looked like.

Jello at the Strawberry Patch.

It was a good weekend.

Husband's Tumblr post

Today I was out hanging with the hubbie, and got a new picture of him. We got home and he did a tumblr post. Since he doesn't do Wordpress, and since the tumblr post doesn't import well here I am recreating it. I am also linking his tumblr here if anyone wants to follow him.

Here is the image he made, click the image to see the full size.

His Tumblr is at http://theocraticjello.tumblr.com

I am so glad he is feeling good about himself.

Well back to writing that post I keep trying to do.

Wow

Yesterday I got a wonderful email from a very supportive lady who reads this blog. It was incredibly supportive and kind. I don't know if she would be ok with me reposting it (and if she gives me the nod that it is ok I will definitely post it), which is why I haven't. It really made me feel good about the blog and about myself and I just wanted to say multiple times thank you to her and to everyone else that has been so great.

As a side note, I realize I haven't had a lot of posts lately, with Jello graduating in 8 weeks, my job working extra and family problems (health problems). However I have several posts half started. I will get on them this week.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate you all, and this experience.

Awesome Weekend

Last weekend was fantastic... scratch that make it double fantastic.

As a tradition, my family generally celebrates multiple birthdays at one time (so we avoid having more than one party a month). This last weekend we celebrated my father's 66th birthday, my sister in-law, and both my little sister's kids, the nephew and niece.

Jello has been stressed about this party. He hasn't seen most of my family since he came a few months ago. To make it worse my family are a pack of feral dogs. I grew up with bikers and you could never tell if things would go smoothly, someone would freak out and throw the table over, if cops will be called, and as a child we generally had a tradition of my dad getting drunk and tossing the Christmas tree out the window (ex Vietnam vet, biker, and always in trouble with the law always resulted in a very memorable childhood). However, no matter how "eccentric" my upbringing, our family is incredibly close.

Now, my family has been sober since Christmas, things have been going great and I had a lot of hopes. Jello, understandably, did not. His family is pretty horrific, they would never have accepted him (fortunately he had split off from his family years ago). We arrived at the house, provided the cake and got to hanging out with my family.

The first few minutes Jello was tense, but within twenty minutes my family were going out of their way to use the pronoun he. They would forget occasionally but they have known him as my wife and their daughter in-law for 22 years, I am surprised and pleased with how hard they were trying. So was he.

My brother joked with him about shaving, and treated Jello just like he treated me. None of the kids reacted badly or strangely to having the adults refer to Jello as my husband. My dad and mom joked with him, and treated him just like they treated him before. There was absolutely no freeze, no hesitation and they repeatedly told Jello they loved him.

The biggest way we could tell he was accepted was they were just as brusque and joking as they are to everyone else. You know you are loved in my family if they are picking on you. When we got out of the apartment after a fun birthday party I noticed Jello was crying and I couldn't figure out why. My first thought was I had done something wrong.

Jello then made it clear to me they were happy tears. He had not expected to be accepted so easily. He knew my family would accept over time (they sometimes react in a weird gut level, but always turn it around and accept people for almost anything). Even I had thought it was possible that they may have to warm up to the idea. After talking for a while Jello made it clear that he was just caught off guard that they didn't even blink when he came out. They accepted him, loved him and would do anything for him.

It was a great birthday party, and that made the weekend great.

I know I have been horrible and not posting much (work is killing me), but here is my husband’s 4 month testosterone update!