Insight

I discovered something last week, that there are elements of my husband’s transition that does bother me. I don’t think it is the way that most people think. I am not bothered by his transition from his birth situation to where he should be. I am only a little caught off guard that I am now in a homosexual marriage when I was married in a conventional marriage for 20 years. I don’t have a problem kissing or having sex. It was a minor thing this week, it was about my lack of ability to provide input into the situation. My lack of having anything to give to the transition.

We have been talking about my husband shaving for the first time. He has the nicest, lightest fuzz growing, although it was starting to get long and my husband asked me to show him how to shave. We were going to do it last week, but life gets in the way and we just didn’t get to it.

So a couple of days ago my husband called me at work and told me proudly that he had shaved. My first reaction was to rib him a little about being a real man and to tell him how proud I was of him. The second emotion that hit me was incredible amount of disappointment that he didn’t wait until I got home so I could show him how.

It is an unreasonable feeling to be annoyed. He is a full grown adult, he can do whatever he wants and it really isn’t a big deal. However, I found it really bothered me for quite a while. The worst part was I couldn’t figure out why it bothered me so much. I was more disappointed with myself for feeling that way then the actual original disappointment.

On my way home a few hours later I figured it out. I was upset purely because I felt that one of the very few things that I could contribute to the transition was teaching him how to shave. Not that he really needed me to, but I guess it had developed into something I was looking forward to, something that I could show him how, and I could give him some knowledge (however little it was) that I gained in the 42 years on this earth that I have been around.

I am not mad at him, and I don’t really feel disappointed anymore (although it does have a niggle occasionally). It was eye opening though to realize that I am bothered by the transition in the fact that I don’t really have a role in helping his transition. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am supporting him financially and emotionally, but there is a weird feeling of helplessness other than that. I hate feeling powerless, but I do admit I do have a bit of a control freak nature about my surroundings so I have to take it my original disappointment with a grain of salt.

This was a good experience, it taught me something about myself. It also let me know that I might subconsciously react negatively for reasons I don’t even understand. I am proud of my husband and I am glad he is following the path he needs to. I just wanted to share with others in my situation, it isn’t abnormal to feel powerless as a partner/friend of someone transitioning, just realize it and accept it. I do admit, I still am working on that last bit, but it is progressing.

I suspect I will post more in depth later about this, once I have thought about it more.

First whiskers

Yesterday Jello and I were laying in bed, hanging out on a lazy Sunday morning before he had to do more schoolwork (he is graduating in four months with his accounting degree, after being a nurse for 12+ years). We both noticed over the last few days the tiniest puberty whiskers happening, the kind that are almost downy like on his cheeks and upper lip.

Yesterday though it was definitely easier to see and there was more of it. It was still very light, making it more difficult to see (it tended to made his face look dirty as opposed to looking like he had whiskers), but it was there. It made my heart stop for a moment and my anxiety again popped up that he wouldn't love me as much as he would have as a woman. Stupid, I know (and I have talked about this before) but it was still there.

It quickly disappeared, the second I felt it I recognized that it was just anxiety and not reality, but still I think because it was another step towards in the transition I just had a momentary panic attack.

A good thing happened because of it though, even with my panic and worry about his changes, when I looked into his eyes, I saw the same person I have been in love with for the last 23 years. That person was still there and still loved me. I knew I still loved him, no matter what body his soul rests in. I know I will have anxiety on occasion, but he was really cool about it and we talked. It is working out well.

We also decided that today I would teach him how to shave... that is a bit disorientating too, to think I need to teach someone to shave. Since we didn't have children I just never thought I would have to teach basic boy skills. Definitely an unexpected experience

A bit of anxiety

I have noticed over the last few weeks that my wonderful husband's change is coming along well with the testosterone shot. I also noticed that I have some preconceived notions on behavior of men.

Lately I have been more anxious about Jello wanting to bail. I have always had a bit of a self esteem problem, but it has escalated and I couldn't tell you why until last week. It dawned on me that a very small part of me isn't sure how to believe a guy wants to stick with their spouse like a gal would.

I know that makes no sense, I am a guy and I am devoted to my husband, with no doubts on how much I love him. I for some reason never  questioned that a woman could if she decided be the same way and stay with a partner. Yet, there is some sort of inbuilt idea that you can't trust that a guy will (except me of course, which is another break in my logic that doesn't make sense). Strangely enough, this goes for hetero relationships, I haven't ever doubted that a homosexual relationship can be as devoted (yes, I completely realize another break in my logic is that part of me still hasn't fully changed my outlook that I am in a gay marriage now, I know it and I tell everyone but evidently it is still percolating).

Of course I suspect the majority of my actual stress is overworking. Long days, with less than five hours of sleep a night is resulting in my anxiety level being higher. Since the transition is one of the biggest events currently in my life I suspect it becomes the focus of that stress. So in the end what I am saying is nothing bad is happening, I just have little outbreaks of anxiety. Things are going well, I just wanted to whine a bit. :)

One other point, I guess this is saying something good for the shift for Jello, the process is slow but happening enough that it triggers weird things in me.

Morning wakeup

Woke up this morning not feeling good (I feel fine now that I am up moving around). Jello and I have talked for several years of getting yearly portraits done. We mean well, but either due to money, time or just not getting around to it we put it off.

This morning I woke up upset that we hadn't started it already years ago. Don't get me wrong, not a single regret with what Jello is doing, rather just a regret I didn't record more before the transition I guess.

I sat up for a few minutes with that regret, then I felt another wave of being bad/regretful that I even had those feelings in the first place. I am happy in my marriage and with my husband (and I was happy with it when I woke up and felt bad about the past, not about the current situaiton). I guess I am just maudlin this morning.

Unnecessary Anxiety

I have to admit there has been a bit of anxiety when it came to the prospect of sex after Jello started taking T. Don't get me wrong, I don't think logically there would be any difference, but I emotionally was worried that J wouldn't find me attractive, or that something might be different in our chemistry, or that T would cause some other change.

Well for the first time in months we were able to connect fully. School is over for Jello, I was off from work and not totally wiped out and the T had started so that anxiety was over. We connected just as well if not better then we had before. I realize a lot of changes are coming and that this is only the second week of T, but just this small step reassured my illogical anxiety.

I noticed a couple of things. One is that the rumors that T makes the transitioning person more sensitive does seem to be accurate, and from what he has told me the libido has also increased. All good things. To be honest though, I think the biggest reason for the intensity between us was that Jello could be who he really is. It makes me happy that he can feel like he can be himself. His happiness makes everything worth it for me.

I just wanted to say that its nice that the anxiety lessens a bit. It really does give me hope for the future.

Silent Partner

First, before I get into my post, I want to make clear that my husband Jello is supportive of me. He sometimes is overwhelmed with his own situation of school, health and transition and that I understand. Sometimes he is distracted by his own fight and this post has nothing to do with that or him. He is not who I am talking about in this post.

There is something I have noticed since my husband came out. That the spouses of transitioning people seem to be in a weird area that leaves them the silent partner. I have done a lot of research online and in the real world and support groups for the non-transitioning spouse are either sporadic or non-existent. I see very little writings about/for them (hence one of the reasons for this blog) and when I do find things, most of them are long out of date and from the point of a wife being supportive of her transitioning partner. Very little of their writings deals with the support they get for themselves, it almost seems like they don't actually get much support for them.

I found this translates into my personal life as well. My husband has an incredibly supportive group of people. Our friends and my family both are incredibly accepting of his transition. All of them continually inquire if they can help him, or if there is something he needs. This makes me incredibly happy for him. He is undergoing a tremendous amount of stress and nothing but positive coming back, even from schoolmates that we didn't expect it from.

Here is where I feel like an asshole. Once Jello came out, there were a ton of questions to me, how was he feeling, did he need anything, etc. Of course I replied appropriately to whatever question was asked, ensuring they knew what he needed or wanted. However, I felt like I was in a weird shadow. As if I only existed as an extension of him. One friend did ask if I was going to stay with him, of course I answered yes. Once I said yes, then the questions went back about Jello. I am happy they assume my love is so strong for Jello, that I had absolutely no problem with the transition, but I found I felt hurt.

I couldn't figure out why I was hurt until my family asked me how I was doing, and what did I think about the transition. They wanted to make sure if they could do anything for me to make it easier during the transition. They seemed to understand it was going to take a lot on my part to change. While Jello is going through the physical/emotional/societal changes of becoming a man, I was going to have to undergo the changes in my 21 year marriage and on my own sexuality as well.

To my family, I had been fully heterosexual when I married my "wife" and now 21 years into my marriage I was going to be married to a guy (my dad mentioned he was glad Gay Marriage was approved in my state last year). Of course my parents don't know that I am more genderqueer then that. Jello says I am "just gay enough". Although I could fall in love with a guy, I am more orientated as a bisexual towards women.

My parents are right, I am struggling a lot with the loss of my wife, the gaining of a husband, and the fact that I was now in a de-facto gay marriage with an even more unusual situation of being married to a transitioning husband. I already addressed the awkwardness of the future coming out to my coworkers. I was saddened that my family recognized that, but not my friends. I feel alone a lot. I know I could go to a friend and they would listen, but it was the fact that I wasn't taken into consideration that hurt.

I realize as a person I am generally closed off. I don't talk a lot about my feelings in general. In fact, I haven't even cried since I was 16, (I am now 42). I usually shove my feelings into a deep dark hole inside me. That is what makes this blog sometimes hard to write in. I feel like I am a bad person for feeling hurt or frustrated and I don't want to seem like I am taking any of Jello's support, because he needs all he could get.

My feelings are battling each other right now. Part of me is sad and a bit disappointed with the situation above, and the other part of me is disgusted with myself for being sad by it. The disgusted part of me feels like I am betraying Jello or trying to take away from the focus on him and that I should shut up. Honestly, maybe I am being a whiny baby about it.

Part of me wants to delete this blog post. I am embarrassed that I even feel this way by something so little. I am a little worried that by putting out there my frustrations like this, I will seem like the asshole jealous husband. The few blogs I have seen out there are almost 100% support blogs for the transitioning partner with no posts about their own frustration. It makes me worried that I am messed up in the head and being unreasonable.

Uncomfortable feelings

Earlier this week I came home from work and found Jello giving away his old clothes when he dressed like a girl. He looked surprised and said that he felt bad that I caught him giving them to our friend Artemus. He seemed worried I would be upset at the cost. He had that look as if I had caught him cheating on me.

Nothing could be further from the truth, the cost doesn't bother me at all. He could burn everything he owned and I would find a way to buy him a new wardrobe, computer, anything that day and wouldn't worry about the cost (even if we had to use credit cards). I know that sounds weird, but its the way I have always been with him and the way I have always helped.

Artemus was worried as well, but I spent the rest of the evening reassuring both of them that it was fine. I am glad that it is going to Artemus, I really don't have a problem with her getting his clothes. The weird thing is over the last three days something has bothered me.

It definitely wasn't the loss of value of the clothes, but I suspect more like giving away the clothes of someone who has broken up with you or died. Jello hasn't died, he is still here but I guess there is something inside of me that hasn't quite let go of the wife I married. I suspect this won't go away for a long time, that I will need to work this out many times. 

Don't get me wrong, I love Jello so much it hurts, that hasn't changed at all (and it won't). I suspect though that the differences are something I will probably struggle with for awhile. I am not sure why it has bothered me the last few days, but I think it bothers me less. Maybe it will make me feel better if we go buy him a new wardrobe.

Artemus came over the next day wearing some of the clothes that was given to her. For some reason that did feel like a kick in the stomach. I couldn't tell you why. They looked good on her, Jello was there so it wasn't like he was away for the evening so no association that he had left me, and everyone was in good spirits. For some reason though it bothered me a lot to see it. Stupid I know.

Actually thinking about it, I suspect seeing my spouse's clothes being given away and all that space freed up might remind me of when we broke up 2o+ years ago when we were just teenagers and he moved out. He had a bunch of clothes that he had packed in garbage bags when he left. Subsequently we got back together six months later and that is the start of our marriage.

That isn't all of it, but I am sure that is a little part of it. It is weird that things that niggle at you.

Interactions at work

I started my  new job last week and I came across a new situation.

How do I refer to my husband to my new coworkers since he hasn't begun to transition yet?

In my prior job from over a year ago, they knew Jello as a her, and while I am sure there would be gossip behind my back, they would accept the transition without hesitation. He was always "a little odd" and they were never surprised by the stories I would tell. However, I don't know about my current job.

My first day at work was scattered, nerve wracking, having a three hour commute I wasn't used to, it all just added up to an overtired spouse. I got to meet my coworkers and they all seemed incredibly nice. We made small talk that included previous jobs, experiences, school and finally family. They of course all asked me how my wife was doing. This was the first time this had ever been asked of me by strangers and I was stumped for a moment.

My original contact with my new coworkers was during my initial interview. When I first met them Jello had not fully decided on transition (he was considering if he could live in-between). Because of that I maintained during my interview that Jello was my wife (plus I wasn't sure if there would be repercussions. So by the end of the interview,  as far as they knew Jello was my wife of 21 years. When the question came up on my first day of work I just panicked and told them that my wife was doing great. They seemed happy to hear that and moved onto other subjects.

Inside I felt a pang of regret immediately. I idly wondered if Peter had felt that way when he denied Jesus three times (ok, that is hyperbole, and I don't necessarily follow religion, its just an example). The whole day I was wracked with guilt, I kept wondering if I had really screwed up. I am proud to be married to him, but for some reason the panic erased my normally combative attitude towards anyone who doesn't except Jello as a him. I wish I could say that my answer to them was anything but automatic panic, but it wasn't.

I got home, feeling a little guilty, and I confessed my sins to Jello. I knew he would be understanding and it turned out I was right. He laughed at me when I told him, having thought it very funny that I was uncomfortable. He then turned around reassured me that it was ok. He said that he didn't mind that I had panicked and referred to him as my wife. After all we had been married for 21 years with that understanding. Jello then clarified to me that he isn't expecting official recognition until he is on testosterone. He also indicated that it probably was better I didn't jump the gun before the actual transition started (hopefully December 3rd). After all we don't know if there would be any blowback at me because I would be in a homosexual marriage (and most of the staff are older ladies). I don't think there will be, but because it is our only source of income maybe he is right.

After my guilt passed, I realized it wasn't a big deal. In fact I think what bothered me most is that I didn't stand up to them. My self identity is very combative and unafraid of pushing people. I almost never back down and to find myself backing down upset me a lot. It feels like weakness, and that is not acceptable with how I grew up.

It was eye-opening to realize what bothered me most in the end wasn't telling my coworkers that Jello was my wife, but that I showed what I grew up with thinking as a moment of weakness. It means I need to work not only on how I handle introducing my husband, but also of ridding myself of internal misogyny.

p.s. I apologize for the lack of posts recently, new job got in the way. Hopefully that will change now.

Another Nagging Anxiety

I have never had a lot of self-confidence in things. I have always believed I am not worth the same as those around me and I tend to want to give things I have to others because I tend to think they want more. I just wanted to be clear about my normal state of mind before I address this anxiety. This outlook is purely my baggage, I have had it my whole life and cannot be laid at Jello's feet.

I have never understood why my spouse stays with me. I have always felt they could find someone who was more attractive, makes more money, and can do more for them. Jello has never said anything but that they are happy with me and want me. This usually keeps my anxiety down to a low roar. Even if inside the darkest part of me I don't believe it (they are telling the truth, its my inner demons that call it a lie).

With Jello's transformation though my anxiety has spiked up. We currently have an open relationship, however Jello is not interested in pursuing others (too much school, finances, and the transition itself so no time). I have the opportunity to seek others out but I haven't been interested (plus I am very feminine in how I approach things, I have had offers for one night stands, but I like to be friends and now the person I am with).

I also am reluctant about pursuing others because somehow inside me it feels like if I pick an additional partner it will be a way for Jello to be able to leave me and not feel bad. This is purely irrational and not based on fact. I know it would relieve Jello if I found a girlfriend, he is worried that part of me wont be satisfied by being married to a man when we started out I was married to a woman. He also is aware that my sex drive is a lot more than he can match (which is fine with me, I have no pressure on him, he should never participate if he isn't interested).

However, there is a large fear that has surfaced. It is not rational and I know that logicallyI am worried that when Jello's transition is complete and he is on testosterone that he won't be interested in me. That somehow the change will make him lose interest and pursue other people instead.

Part of this fear is based on the fact that his sex drive will probably kick up when he takes testosterone. Right now our sex life is great but by far his sex drive is a lot lower then mine. This coupled with the fact that he used to like to hunt partners for one night stands before we got married (another indicator that maybe he didn't fit in the gender binary as a woman). This and the fact that the fear the testosterone will make him interested more in women then me has been worrying me a lot.

Now, I logically know this is not the case. I have no doubt that he loves me, he wants to be with me and that I make him happy sexually. However, there is that little inner demon that whispers I am not attractive enough, I don't make enough money and there is no way he would be just satisfied with me.

There really is no cure or resolution at the moment, its just something I have to work on. I thought I might share that fear as I am sure others have it as well. I think it is probably a normal (albeit unreasonable) fear. I know that Jello loves me more than anything, and I love him even more than that. In the end all that can be done is communicate and be there. Things will work out, I just wanted to express my worries to the world and maybe offer some commiseration with others.

:)

One Anxiety

I woke up this morning with a lot of anxiety for my husband. I suspect it is due to a lot of things, including dreams last night. So this morning I have been working out in my head my first anxiety.

I have noted some of my anxieties have increased since my husband decided to transition. Like I have said earlier, I am a big guy, and I have always been protective over him. When we got married, he was a small girl, who had been assaulted in the past and because he was both a loud dresser (punk clothes in 80s, and almost always some variant of alternative after that) he got a lot of flack. This doesn't even count the sexual assaults.

So when we married in 1992 I was always concerned when he would walk home alone, or pretty much walk anywhere if it was dark or in a rough neighborhood. Don't get me wrong, I am sure he can take care of himself, but he is so much smaller than I am and he hasn't really been in a lot of fights, so I am still overly protective.

Now that he is transitioning I have found my anxiety for his safety is even higher. Not only does he deal with the fact that he dresses alternatively, has a loud personality and is fairly small. Now he has to deal with being identified as gay (since before he was considered a heterosexual female by outside viewers) and what makes me even more nervous, if he gets called out for transitioning. Transitioning seems to freak a lot of people out when they realize it's happening. I understand its unusual and therefore remarkable, but couple that with him being identified as gay does worry me.

Take for example day to day problems such as when he has to start choosing which bathroom to use depending on the situation. Is the situation one where he has to worry about another male in the boys bathroom might freak, or should he use the woman's bathroom until he can fully pass? These situations vary per place he goes to and I worry about one of those fluke situations going wrong.

I know he is worried about me as well, and now that we walk down the street showing any public affection I will be called out for being gay (which I don't mind). However, unlike him I am not small and I am fully looking forward to the first stupid person to get in my face. This is the advantage of being a very large and masculine body, not many people at all have an intimidation factor for me. However, Jello is different, he is small and I am worried easily broken.

The crux of the matter is I am anxious for him. I haven't figured out the best way to deal with that worry, so this post is mostly a ramble by me about the anxiety itself, not really any solid approaches to handle it. I am sure there will be many more posts about this fear. Just thought I would share this morning.