Privilege and PDAs

There has been an unexpected consequence with my husband’s transition. My husband and I have always had different levels of acceptance of public displays of affection. I have always been very touchy feely. I love holding his hand, hugging him in public, holding him, etc. I do have to say I haven’t been about heavy kissing/fondling in public for many years, but the rest of it is something I have always had a high drive. I like to constantly reassure him, hold him, hug him, just touch him.

He has always been the opposite. He never really liked a lot of public displays of affection (except with the insertion of alcohol). He has always tolerated the pdas and sometimes initiates them (but much more rarely). When we were younger this did cause some conflict, but we have worked it out so I am not too pushy, and he was a bit more accepting. Also to reiterate it when I mean pushy, I mean holding hands or hugging him.

It has been like this for over twenty years, at least until the transition. Since the transition Jello hasn’t been very responsive at all to public displays of affection unless in a controlled environment, and it has diminished over the transition. I was confused at first, “why would anything change?” I would think to myself. I noticed that he didn’t want to hold my hand in areas we weren’t familiar, especially with lots of people hanging around. I was so confused, and honestly I was hurt a little bit. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to “admit” he was with me.

My husband was kind about it though and explained to me why it bothered him more. He had a history of being attacked when he was younger for similar displays. He explained the danger he faced before we got together when he (at the time appearing as a woman) would date women and be attacked by homophobic assholes. I listened to him, and I can logically understand his worry.

I guess this is where my privilege stands out is that I am a very tall and broad guy and never felt fear about anyone physically. It never even dawned on me to worry about someone else objecting to being married to another guy. 

I do admit that at first I was unhappy, and a bit resentful. It hurt that Jello didn’t want to hold hands, or hug in public areas. Then I guess I grew up a little over a few days when I realized it wasn’t me, it was about the fact that Jello is a small guy and he had a history of getting attacked when he showed any sort of same sex or alternative lifestyle. Sometimes it is hard to step out of your own point of view and take into account other people’s worries.

I realized after thinking about it, that this is also another example of my up until now the heterosexual privilege, which I hadn’t realized I had lived with until it was gone. I am not used to living an alternative lifestyle (that is obvious in the public). It honestly doesn’t bother me, and it doesn’t help the fact that I like conflict and aggression. I have no problem engaging with someone who has an issue with my lifestyle. However this puts unnecessary pressure on Jello. He hates conflict, and with his medical issues it can prove bad to give him too much anxiety. I just need to let it go. I don’t want to make his life more difficult, and I like him happy so I need to work with it.

I don’t have an answer for this, or really any sort of resolution at the moment. I just thought I would post about it. It helps to talk it out here, although I have started to ramble due to no sleep so I will cut it here. I will revisit this later.

Wow

Yesterday I got a wonderful email from a very supportive lady who reads this blog. It was incredibly supportive and kind. I don't know if she would be ok with me reposting it (and if she gives me the nod that it is ok I will definitely post it), which is why I haven't. It really made me feel good about the blog and about myself and I just wanted to say multiple times thank you to her and to everyone else that has been so great.

As a side note, I realize I haven't had a lot of posts lately, with Jello graduating in 8 weeks, my job working extra and family problems (health problems). However I have several posts half started. I will get on them this week.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate you all, and this experience.

Insight

I discovered something last week, that there are elements of my husband’s transition that does bother me. I don’t think it is the way that most people think. I am not bothered by his transition from his birth situation to where he should be. I am only a little caught off guard that I am now in a homosexual marriage when I was married in a conventional marriage for 20 years. I don’t have a problem kissing or having sex. It was a minor thing this week, it was about my lack of ability to provide input into the situation. My lack of having anything to give to the transition.

We have been talking about my husband shaving for the first time. He has the nicest, lightest fuzz growing, although it was starting to get long and my husband asked me to show him how to shave. We were going to do it last week, but life gets in the way and we just didn’t get to it.

So a couple of days ago my husband called me at work and told me proudly that he had shaved. My first reaction was to rib him a little about being a real man and to tell him how proud I was of him. The second emotion that hit me was incredible amount of disappointment that he didn’t wait until I got home so I could show him how.

It is an unreasonable feeling to be annoyed. He is a full grown adult, he can do whatever he wants and it really isn’t a big deal. However, I found it really bothered me for quite a while. The worst part was I couldn’t figure out why it bothered me so much. I was more disappointed with myself for feeling that way then the actual original disappointment.

On my way home a few hours later I figured it out. I was upset purely because I felt that one of the very few things that I could contribute to the transition was teaching him how to shave. Not that he really needed me to, but I guess it had developed into something I was looking forward to, something that I could show him how, and I could give him some knowledge (however little it was) that I gained in the 42 years on this earth that I have been around.

I am not mad at him, and I don’t really feel disappointed anymore (although it does have a niggle occasionally). It was eye opening though to realize that I am bothered by the transition in the fact that I don’t really have a role in helping his transition. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am supporting him financially and emotionally, but there is a weird feeling of helplessness other than that. I hate feeling powerless, but I do admit I do have a bit of a control freak nature about my surroundings so I have to take it my original disappointment with a grain of salt.

This was a good experience, it taught me something about myself. It also let me know that I might subconsciously react negatively for reasons I don’t even understand. I am proud of my husband and I am glad he is following the path he needs to. I just wanted to share with others in my situation, it isn’t abnormal to feel powerless as a partner/friend of someone transitioning, just realize it and accept it. I do admit, I still am working on that last bit, but it is progressing.

I suspect I will post more in depth later about this, once I have thought about it more.

A bit of anxiety

I have noticed over the last few weeks that my wonderful husband's change is coming along well with the testosterone shot. I also noticed that I have some preconceived notions on behavior of men.

Lately I have been more anxious about Jello wanting to bail. I have always had a bit of a self esteem problem, but it has escalated and I couldn't tell you why until last week. It dawned on me that a very small part of me isn't sure how to believe a guy wants to stick with their spouse like a gal would.

I know that makes no sense, I am a guy and I am devoted to my husband, with no doubts on how much I love him. I for some reason never  questioned that a woman could if she decided be the same way and stay with a partner. Yet, there is some sort of inbuilt idea that you can't trust that a guy will (except me of course, which is another break in my logic that doesn't make sense). Strangely enough, this goes for hetero relationships, I haven't ever doubted that a homosexual relationship can be as devoted (yes, I completely realize another break in my logic is that part of me still hasn't fully changed my outlook that I am in a gay marriage now, I know it and I tell everyone but evidently it is still percolating).

Of course I suspect the majority of my actual stress is overworking. Long days, with less than five hours of sleep a night is resulting in my anxiety level being higher. Since the transition is one of the biggest events currently in my life I suspect it becomes the focus of that stress. So in the end what I am saying is nothing bad is happening, I just have little outbreaks of anxiety. Things are going well, I just wanted to whine a bit. :)

One other point, I guess this is saying something good for the shift for Jello, the process is slow but happening enough that it triggers weird things in me.

First Introductions

I realize it has been a little bit since my last post. Unfortunately my work has been a killer so I apologize, I should be posting more now.

Yesterday was the first time I introduced my husband as my husband to new people. Up until now I haven't really met anyone new in our group. They all are aware of Jello and are fully supportive. Yesterday we decided to go check out the local gaming store, I was considering purchasing my first set of Warhammer 40k figs in about twenty years.

We showed up at the store and in normal gamer geek friendliness we were swamped with three different gentleman who wanted to show us around the store. It was funny though, one of them stopped and looked at Jello for a few seconds. I don't think he meant at all to be rude, rather you could see he was adjusting his thought pattern. Jello passes if someone doesn't look closely (the T is starting to work, but he looks like a very little kid at the moment if people don't notice the boobs, which will be fixed within a year). The new person looked him over and hesitated. After a few seconds they obviously made some decision on Jello and went back to normal.

I think the initial judgment by that gentleman was that Jello was a girl, since he did a double take when I referenced Jello as my husband and as a he in our conversation. Even so they were all very nice, and honestly their reactions were very fair. When I got home I thanked them on the facebook page for the store for how they made me and my husband feel very welcome. I got over dozen replies from them and others welcoming us. So at least at an initial glance my first introduction to new people with my husband went well.

I do have to admit I was a bit nervous. Now we are entering a phase where the world will see me in a homosexual relationship. I honestly have no personal problems with that, but its new territory. I am a bit terrified that I will get the push back for being gay from the straight people I meet, but that I won't be accepted by the LGBT community. I have read a lot lately that some people have never been accepted within the gay community and I do worry my social/friend status will be cut short because I don't fit in to any group anymore.

I suspect I will be writing a lot about that. My focus has been so much on supporting my husband I really haven't talked or thought about the push back I will get. Although I do have an advantage, I grew up in a house of feral dogs and I love fighting. I do look forward to being in someone's face and telling them what I think of them (whether its because they are dissing me or my husband won't matter... actually I will probably be ten times more aggressive if they diss my husband).

So as a warning, there will probably be lots of posts about this in the future.

Morning wakeup

Woke up this morning not feeling good (I feel fine now that I am up moving around). Jello and I have talked for several years of getting yearly portraits done. We mean well, but either due to money, time or just not getting around to it we put it off.

This morning I woke up upset that we hadn't started it already years ago. Don't get me wrong, not a single regret with what Jello is doing, rather just a regret I didn't record more before the transition I guess.

I sat up for a few minutes with that regret, then I felt another wave of being bad/regretful that I even had those feelings in the first place. I am happy in my marriage and with my husband (and I was happy with it when I woke up and felt bad about the past, not about the current situaiton). I guess I am just maudlin this morning.

If ReinventingLucky is following you... it's me.

I just realized that for some reason I am only able to follow all of you as “reinventing lucky” I just wanted to say I am following you, but evidently under my normal day to day blog. They are the one and the same person, just one is my trans/gender identity blog and the other is everything else (separated out so if someone wants to read my gender/marriage blog they aren’t stuck reading everything else).

Wow, I evidently type like MoJo JoJo from the Power Puff Girls.

Side note: People have asked if I have a separate blog for anonymity. That can't be further from the truth. I am totally happy people realizing the two blogs are the same person. I did it more rather so I can focus on the trans/gender identity and possible LGBT/Hetero Society acceptance in one blog, and my other inane ramblings in another :)

Silent Partner

First, before I get into my post, I want to make clear that my husband Jello is supportive of me. He sometimes is overwhelmed with his own situation of school, health and transition and that I understand. Sometimes he is distracted by his own fight and this post has nothing to do with that or him. He is not who I am talking about in this post.

There is something I have noticed since my husband came out. That the spouses of transitioning people seem to be in a weird area that leaves them the silent partner. I have done a lot of research online and in the real world and support groups for the non-transitioning spouse are either sporadic or non-existent. I see very little writings about/for them (hence one of the reasons for this blog) and when I do find things, most of them are long out of date and from the point of a wife being supportive of her transitioning partner. Very little of their writings deals with the support they get for themselves, it almost seems like they don't actually get much support for them.

I found this translates into my personal life as well. My husband has an incredibly supportive group of people. Our friends and my family both are incredibly accepting of his transition. All of them continually inquire if they can help him, or if there is something he needs. This makes me incredibly happy for him. He is undergoing a tremendous amount of stress and nothing but positive coming back, even from schoolmates that we didn't expect it from.

Here is where I feel like an asshole. Once Jello came out, there were a ton of questions to me, how was he feeling, did he need anything, etc. Of course I replied appropriately to whatever question was asked, ensuring they knew what he needed or wanted. However, I felt like I was in a weird shadow. As if I only existed as an extension of him. One friend did ask if I was going to stay with him, of course I answered yes. Once I said yes, then the questions went back about Jello. I am happy they assume my love is so strong for Jello, that I had absolutely no problem with the transition, but I found I felt hurt.

I couldn't figure out why I was hurt until my family asked me how I was doing, and what did I think about the transition. They wanted to make sure if they could do anything for me to make it easier during the transition. They seemed to understand it was going to take a lot on my part to change. While Jello is going through the physical/emotional/societal changes of becoming a man, I was going to have to undergo the changes in my 21 year marriage and on my own sexuality as well.

To my family, I had been fully heterosexual when I married my "wife" and now 21 years into my marriage I was going to be married to a guy (my dad mentioned he was glad Gay Marriage was approved in my state last year). Of course my parents don't know that I am more genderqueer then that. Jello says I am "just gay enough". Although I could fall in love with a guy, I am more orientated as a bisexual towards women.

My parents are right, I am struggling a lot with the loss of my wife, the gaining of a husband, and the fact that I was now in a de-facto gay marriage with an even more unusual situation of being married to a transitioning husband. I already addressed the awkwardness of the future coming out to my coworkers. I was saddened that my family recognized that, but not my friends. I feel alone a lot. I know I could go to a friend and they would listen, but it was the fact that I wasn't taken into consideration that hurt.

I realize as a person I am generally closed off. I don't talk a lot about my feelings in general. In fact, I haven't even cried since I was 16, (I am now 42). I usually shove my feelings into a deep dark hole inside me. That is what makes this blog sometimes hard to write in. I feel like I am a bad person for feeling hurt or frustrated and I don't want to seem like I am taking any of Jello's support, because he needs all he could get.

My feelings are battling each other right now. Part of me is sad and a bit disappointed with the situation above, and the other part of me is disgusted with myself for being sad by it. The disgusted part of me feels like I am betraying Jello or trying to take away from the focus on him and that I should shut up. Honestly, maybe I am being a whiny baby about it.

Part of me wants to delete this blog post. I am embarrassed that I even feel this way by something so little. I am a little worried that by putting out there my frustrations like this, I will seem like the asshole jealous husband. The few blogs I have seen out there are almost 100% support blogs for the transitioning partner with no posts about their own frustration. It makes me worried that I am messed up in the head and being unreasonable.

Working out boundaries

I realize my post from earlier today was a bit maudlin, but I would like to say we had a great conversation overall with Jello. Another portion of that conversation I had with Jello in the car from Ikea was about boundaries. Mainly about what he felt comfortable with me talking about publicly about our relationship pre-transition.

To give a little feedback, I am on several FtM blogs/tumblrs/etc and some of the posts indicate that the transitioning husband (and wife sometimes) did not want their significant other of several years to keep pictures or talk publicly before they transitioned. Basically they were upset that their significant other wanted to keep pictures public, talk about publicly or in any way reference about the relationship pre-transition. 

First, I want to say I understand why some people who transition want to do so in a stealth manner. They are in a situation that could be violent, lose their job, etc. Or perhaps they just don't want to acknowledge it. I completely understand that viewpoint... However (and you knew there was going to be a "but" in this) I don't think its entirely fair to the significant other that they have to forget about publicly at least (and in some cases they weren't supposed to talk about the relationship pre-transition privately as well).

As the spouse of a transitioning person (and I would have felt this way beforehand), I don't think its very fair to have someone who is not transitioning not only have to adapt to the changes of the transition, but not acknowledge or even celebrate the relationship that happened before the transition. So not only does that person have to grieve the loss of the dynamics of the previous relationship, they have to burn the entire set of publicly talking about those memories of that relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I understand why the transitioning person feels this way so its that dissonance between what the two parties that worried me on how Jello felt. I am reluctant to even consider not talking about Jello being my wife for 20+ years. I have a ton of pictures of him then, some of them even were quite sexy.

So we talked about it. I suspected he would be ok with me talking publicly and still keeping pictures and stuff like that. He confirmed it though, he has no problem with it. Then again he isn't trying to stealth, and is fairly loud about being someone who is transitioning. He especially believes this is needed to give outside people more context about transitioning people. The more outside people see that, the more they realize that people that are transgender are not weird, unusual or anything other than their neighbors, family and friends.

I don't know how I would have felt about getting rid of all photographs, but I was definitely willing to delete the super sexy ones. He reiterated he was fine with it. That is who he was for 40+ years. This means you will probably see pictures of Jello pre, mid, and post transition.

This helped a lot with my anxiety yesterday. It really offset the gut punch I had felt a few minutes early (and that was my problem, not Jello's to begin with). I am very happy that I am married to a hot guy, but I am still allowed to show off and be proud I married a hot woman 21 years ago. I was worried that he would be uncomfortable with old pictures of himself, but the opposite seemed to be how he felt. It felt good to know I didn't have to bury my history as I head into the new part of my life with the best spouse in the world.

That is about all there is on this subject at the moment, its early morning and I notice my post is starting to ramble, but I really want to write these things as they pop up and not let the posts slip away.

Gut Punch

Getting to know my husband’s new look one day at a time excites me. I realize I already deeply know the innermost secrets of him, but his look is new and slowly changing. I think he is a hot guy.

 Yesterday at Ikea, we were starting our drive home when Jello asked me if he looks like a guy from behind. I was honest, not really. Part of the problem is Jello has very girl like hips and ass, and the other problem is the sway that he has when he walks. An incredibly feminine walk, one of those melty, hot walks that some women have. The hips will disappear as testosterone kicks in, plus the jogging (and if those two don’t finalize he is getting liposuction). The walk is a different matter.

Jello has always walked like a woman for as long as I have known him (age 16). I know when he was young his school mates accused him of walking like a lumberjack so he intentionally developed one of those walks that sways hips and butt. When he was a woman in outlook (before he knew he was transgendered) he practiced that walk. Ever since I have married him (actually since I got a crush on him at age 17) his walk was almost magical.

Jello then asked me if I would help him get rid of that walk which had been reinforced by 25 years of practice and habit. It was built into his day-to-day movements and he couldn’t really determine when he was walking like that. I immediately said yes, of course I would help. I completely understand, I wouldn’t want to walk that way (and while it might be funny to have someone come out and call me on walking like that, I could understand his view). Especially since he wants to put being a woman behind him, I can definitely help, and I want to.

A strange thing happened though, even while I agreed I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I am not at all against his transition; it is something he needs to do. I knew that his physical appearance will change and I am ok with that. I love him. The gut punch though was hard enough that for a brief second I almost felt like I should cry.

That is something I haven’t done in front of someone for 26 years (I think 16 is the last time I cried in front of anyone, although there have been probably a couple nights over the years that by myself it was close enough to crying). Its not that I think crying is bad, but since I reached an adult I tend to get quiet and shove it down inside. Yes, I have a definite slew of my own problems that have NOTHING to do with the journey Jello is on.

I knew logically this would involve a little pain on my side, but it’s the first example of watching the woman I married get stripped away into the man I love. It is stupid really, I have never considered how Jello walks, never even talked about it to anyone. Yet for a moment (well a few minutes) it was the weirdest sense of something being torn from my life. I was doubly upset because I knew logically I know I shouldn’t be bothered by it. It is his body and his life. I have no control over how he walks, I do not own him, and so that made me even more upset that I was upset in the first place. Yes, even then I realized the ludicrousness of that outlook.

I couldn’t really talk for the next couple of miles. When something really upsets me (even watching the cartoon UP) I can usually shove it down into the hole and forget about it. It took me a lot longer than normal. All I could do was nod, agree I would help and smile, I wasn’t really capable of in-depth conversation.

It was a weird sensation watching as a portion of my old wife was discussed and stripped away. It is probably the only time so far that this transition bothered me. Not in a way that I want to stop it, but in a grieving way. 

I know I am going to grieve losing my wife, no matter how excited I am about my husband. It won’t lessen my love for my husband at all, and I think this will make us closer that he transitions. If he feels more real to himself that can do nothing but help our relationship. I was just taken aback by the sense of loss over something I had never really considered more than watching “her” walk from behind and imagining being with “her”, when he was my wife.

This is probably scattered, I woke up at no-god early in the morning to write this.

Beginnings

I have been pondering how to start this blog for a while now. I figure I need to get it going so maybe since it is my musings about my spouse transitioning from female to male that maybe I will introduce myself and my marriage in a short (hopefully) post.

I am a cis-gendered, white male in my early 40s. I grew up in a very low socio-economic house (as in lived in a car with a family of five and two dogs for over a year of high school). I grew up around an MC (motorcycle club) and on a normal night saw drinking, violence, drug sales, etc.

While that sounds extreme (and it was), I did grow up in a household that loved me. They were not capable of providing me with stable living, but the love was there. I know that if I had come out as gay as a teenager, it might have taken awhile but my family would have accepted me.

At the age of 21 I married my best friend (I will refer to his online name, Theocratic Jello) and began a life of what was assumed would be the normal bliss, as a man and a woman (I was the only man at the time).  However, shortly after being married we tried the poly lifestyle (and still do on occasion) and we decided we would not have children.  

We have been married now for over 21 years (and even though we are in an open relationship I haven’t been with someone else for over ten years by choice). He is a complete atheist while I am a mix of Buddhist/deist with a tiny sliver of paganish Catholicism.

I am personally bisexual, but in the past I have leaned more towards women. With my wife transitioning to male I continue love him with all my heart, his junk is irrelevant to me (well it’s a fun-time play toy no matter what, otherwise, whatever makes him happy makes me happy).

An important side note is that I also have my own gender identity issues. I am a very large male (6’4” and about 275-280lbs) and would be classified as nothing but masculine. However, if I could snap my fingers and become a small woman (5’2” or so) I would do it in a second.

I am not fully comfortable with my body and I know that I would be very happy as a woman (even if I kept my current sexual organs). However, since I am so masculine I know I would never pass to my satisfaction. It is not that I don’t think others should try, I absolutely think a person should be who they feel they are. I unfortunately will not ever be able to reach a place as a male to female transition to make me happy, so instead of beating my head against a wall, I am trying other avenues while I join my husband on his journey.

So here I am, and this is my journey as a spouse of a female to male transitioning person. The idea of this blog is to give my feedback and to write about my own trials and tribulations on this. Unfortunately when I was first looking around I didn’t find much about the spouse of the transitioning person, and I thought maybe recording my ups and downs, frustrations and happy moments, that I could help someone in the future.

Oh, and evidently I lied, this post isn’t short at all J