Insight

I discovered something last week, that there are elements of my husband’s transition that does bother me. I don’t think it is the way that most people think. I am not bothered by his transition from his birth situation to where he should be. I am only a little caught off guard that I am now in a homosexual marriage when I was married in a conventional marriage for 20 years. I don’t have a problem kissing or having sex. It was a minor thing this week, it was about my lack of ability to provide input into the situation. My lack of having anything to give to the transition.

We have been talking about my husband shaving for the first time. He has the nicest, lightest fuzz growing, although it was starting to get long and my husband asked me to show him how to shave. We were going to do it last week, but life gets in the way and we just didn’t get to it.

So a couple of days ago my husband called me at work and told me proudly that he had shaved. My first reaction was to rib him a little about being a real man and to tell him how proud I was of him. The second emotion that hit me was incredible amount of disappointment that he didn’t wait until I got home so I could show him how.

It is an unreasonable feeling to be annoyed. He is a full grown adult, he can do whatever he wants and it really isn’t a big deal. However, I found it really bothered me for quite a while. The worst part was I couldn’t figure out why it bothered me so much. I was more disappointed with myself for feeling that way then the actual original disappointment.

On my way home a few hours later I figured it out. I was upset purely because I felt that one of the very few things that I could contribute to the transition was teaching him how to shave. Not that he really needed me to, but I guess it had developed into something I was looking forward to, something that I could show him how, and I could give him some knowledge (however little it was) that I gained in the 42 years on this earth that I have been around.

I am not mad at him, and I don’t really feel disappointed anymore (although it does have a niggle occasionally). It was eye opening though to realize that I am bothered by the transition in the fact that I don’t really have a role in helping his transition. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am supporting him financially and emotionally, but there is a weird feeling of helplessness other than that. I hate feeling powerless, but I do admit I do have a bit of a control freak nature about my surroundings so I have to take it my original disappointment with a grain of salt.

This was a good experience, it taught me something about myself. It also let me know that I might subconsciously react negatively for reasons I don’t even understand. I am proud of my husband and I am glad he is following the path he needs to. I just wanted to share with others in my situation, it isn’t abnormal to feel powerless as a partner/friend of someone transitioning, just realize it and accept it. I do admit, I still am working on that last bit, but it is progressing.

I suspect I will post more in depth later about this, once I have thought about it more.

First whiskers

Yesterday Jello and I were laying in bed, hanging out on a lazy Sunday morning before he had to do more schoolwork (he is graduating in four months with his accounting degree, after being a nurse for 12+ years). We both noticed over the last few days the tiniest puberty whiskers happening, the kind that are almost downy like on his cheeks and upper lip.

Yesterday though it was definitely easier to see and there was more of it. It was still very light, making it more difficult to see (it tended to made his face look dirty as opposed to looking like he had whiskers), but it was there. It made my heart stop for a moment and my anxiety again popped up that he wouldn't love me as much as he would have as a woman. Stupid, I know (and I have talked about this before) but it was still there.

It quickly disappeared, the second I felt it I recognized that it was just anxiety and not reality, but still I think because it was another step towards in the transition I just had a momentary panic attack.

A good thing happened because of it though, even with my panic and worry about his changes, when I looked into his eyes, I saw the same person I have been in love with for the last 23 years. That person was still there and still loved me. I knew I still loved him, no matter what body his soul rests in. I know I will have anxiety on occasion, but he was really cool about it and we talked. It is working out well.

We also decided that today I would teach him how to shave... that is a bit disorientating too, to think I need to teach someone to shave. Since we didn't have children I just never thought I would have to teach basic boy skills. Definitely an unexpected experience

Work

I am cross posting a portion of my last personal blog entry, mainly because it may have something to do with my experiences of having a transitioning husband.

Last few weeks of work have been weird and uncomfortable. The job itself is fine, I don't mind finding people avoiding taxes and honestly for the most part I don't mind nailing them. Unfortunately it isn't my job duties itself that is bothering me.

I found out today that I won't be considered for part time telecommuting for at least three more months (originally a month ago I was told February). This is frustrating, especially so since I took a 25% paycut because of the flexibility of this job. However, it is turning out there isn't much flexibility. It is ok though, it will keep us going until Jello graduates.

The next problem is training is all over the place. I can do the audits, but the fine details are still not completely explained to me and results in a fairly steady stream of "please do this again and do it "x" way". I never have to repeat this, but it bothers my own sense of self that this keeps popping up because I wasn't told how to handle specific circumstances.

What worries me is that both the nitpicking and the moving back my date of telecommuting by months came after I mentioned in passing my husband's proper pronouns of  he/him. I can't say for sure my boss realized what I had said, but the behavior has changed since then and alarmed me. In all fairness though, my agency is undergoing some upper echelon changes so maybe it is that as well. That would almost be worse as it would be a sign that the agency itself is going downhill and that would be bad.

I have talked to my husband and will continue to use the she/her pronoun forms until my probation is over in May (I haven't come out to my work on the transition, they had interviewed me before Jello had decided to go all the way so at the time I had talked about my wife). I absolutely HATE doing this, hate hate hate, but I cannot risk being able supporting my husband financially until he has graduated and is working.

I think I am going to start putting apps out. Low pay with no flexibility is not something I want. The job is interesting, it is a combination accountant/auditor/private investigator but the payoff is just too little at the moment. I am especially uncomfortable at the timing in this change of behavior since my coworkersare all strongly Christian. I think it would be easier to get a better paying job and get hired already using male pronouns, that way if I get hired or not they will already know.