Silent Partner

First, before I get into my post, I want to make clear that my husband Jello is supportive of me. He sometimes is overwhelmed with his own situation of school, health and transition and that I understand. Sometimes he is distracted by his own fight and this post has nothing to do with that or him. He is not who I am talking about in this post.

There is something I have noticed since my husband came out. That the spouses of transitioning people seem to be in a weird area that leaves them the silent partner. I have done a lot of research online and in the real world and support groups for the non-transitioning spouse are either sporadic or non-existent. I see very little writings about/for them (hence one of the reasons for this blog) and when I do find things, most of them are long out of date and from the point of a wife being supportive of her transitioning partner. Very little of their writings deals with the support they get for themselves, it almost seems like they don't actually get much support for them.

I found this translates into my personal life as well. My husband has an incredibly supportive group of people. Our friends and my family both are incredibly accepting of his transition. All of them continually inquire if they can help him, or if there is something he needs. This makes me incredibly happy for him. He is undergoing a tremendous amount of stress and nothing but positive coming back, even from schoolmates that we didn't expect it from.

Here is where I feel like an asshole. Once Jello came out, there were a ton of questions to me, how was he feeling, did he need anything, etc. Of course I replied appropriately to whatever question was asked, ensuring they knew what he needed or wanted. However, I felt like I was in a weird shadow. As if I only existed as an extension of him. One friend did ask if I was going to stay with him, of course I answered yes. Once I said yes, then the questions went back about Jello. I am happy they assume my love is so strong for Jello, that I had absolutely no problem with the transition, but I found I felt hurt.

I couldn't figure out why I was hurt until my family asked me how I was doing, and what did I think about the transition. They wanted to make sure if they could do anything for me to make it easier during the transition. They seemed to understand it was going to take a lot on my part to change. While Jello is going through the physical/emotional/societal changes of becoming a man, I was going to have to undergo the changes in my 21 year marriage and on my own sexuality as well.

To my family, I had been fully heterosexual when I married my "wife" and now 21 years into my marriage I was going to be married to a guy (my dad mentioned he was glad Gay Marriage was approved in my state last year). Of course my parents don't know that I am more genderqueer then that. Jello says I am "just gay enough". Although I could fall in love with a guy, I am more orientated as a bisexual towards women.

My parents are right, I am struggling a lot with the loss of my wife, the gaining of a husband, and the fact that I was now in a de-facto gay marriage with an even more unusual situation of being married to a transitioning husband. I already addressed the awkwardness of the future coming out to my coworkers. I was saddened that my family recognized that, but not my friends. I feel alone a lot. I know I could go to a friend and they would listen, but it was the fact that I wasn't taken into consideration that hurt.

I realize as a person I am generally closed off. I don't talk a lot about my feelings in general. In fact, I haven't even cried since I was 16, (I am now 42). I usually shove my feelings into a deep dark hole inside me. That is what makes this blog sometimes hard to write in. I feel like I am a bad person for feeling hurt or frustrated and I don't want to seem like I am taking any of Jello's support, because he needs all he could get.

My feelings are battling each other right now. Part of me is sad and a bit disappointed with the situation above, and the other part of me is disgusted with myself for being sad by it. The disgusted part of me feels like I am betraying Jello or trying to take away from the focus on him and that I should shut up. Honestly, maybe I am being a whiny baby about it.

Part of me wants to delete this blog post. I am embarrassed that I even feel this way by something so little. I am a little worried that by putting out there my frustrations like this, I will seem like the asshole jealous husband. The few blogs I have seen out there are almost 100% support blogs for the transitioning partner with no posts about their own frustration. It makes me worried that I am messed up in the head and being unreasonable.

Jello's Transition Introduction Video

It has been an extremely quiet week for me. Nothing on this front has really happened, except my husband just started his Youtube blog dedicated to his transition. I can never pimp his stuff enough, so here it is, his first Youtube blog entry:

Uncomfortable feelings

Earlier this week I came home from work and found Jello giving away his old clothes when he dressed like a girl. He looked surprised and said that he felt bad that I caught him giving them to our friend Artemus. He seemed worried I would be upset at the cost. He had that look as if I had caught him cheating on me.

Nothing could be further from the truth, the cost doesn't bother me at all. He could burn everything he owned and I would find a way to buy him a new wardrobe, computer, anything that day and wouldn't worry about the cost (even if we had to use credit cards). I know that sounds weird, but its the way I have always been with him and the way I have always helped.

Artemus was worried as well, but I spent the rest of the evening reassuring both of them that it was fine. I am glad that it is going to Artemus, I really don't have a problem with her getting his clothes. The weird thing is over the last three days something has bothered me.

It definitely wasn't the loss of value of the clothes, but I suspect more like giving away the clothes of someone who has broken up with you or died. Jello hasn't died, he is still here but I guess there is something inside of me that hasn't quite let go of the wife I married. I suspect this won't go away for a long time, that I will need to work this out many times. 

Don't get me wrong, I love Jello so much it hurts, that hasn't changed at all (and it won't). I suspect though that the differences are something I will probably struggle with for awhile. I am not sure why it has bothered me the last few days, but I think it bothers me less. Maybe it will make me feel better if we go buy him a new wardrobe.

Artemus came over the next day wearing some of the clothes that was given to her. For some reason that did feel like a kick in the stomach. I couldn't tell you why. They looked good on her, Jello was there so it wasn't like he was away for the evening so no association that he had left me, and everyone was in good spirits. For some reason though it bothered me a lot to see it. Stupid I know.

Actually thinking about it, I suspect seeing my spouse's clothes being given away and all that space freed up might remind me of when we broke up 2o+ years ago when we were just teenagers and he moved out. He had a bunch of clothes that he had packed in garbage bags when he left. Subsequently we got back together six months later and that is the start of our marriage.

That isn't all of it, but I am sure that is a little part of it. It is weird that things that niggle at you.

Interactions at work

I started my  new job last week and I came across a new situation.

How do I refer to my husband to my new coworkers since he hasn't begun to transition yet?

In my prior job from over a year ago, they knew Jello as a her, and while I am sure there would be gossip behind my back, they would accept the transition without hesitation. He was always "a little odd" and they were never surprised by the stories I would tell. However, I don't know about my current job.

My first day at work was scattered, nerve wracking, having a three hour commute I wasn't used to, it all just added up to an overtired spouse. I got to meet my coworkers and they all seemed incredibly nice. We made small talk that included previous jobs, experiences, school and finally family. They of course all asked me how my wife was doing. This was the first time this had ever been asked of me by strangers and I was stumped for a moment.

My original contact with my new coworkers was during my initial interview. When I first met them Jello had not fully decided on transition (he was considering if he could live in-between). Because of that I maintained during my interview that Jello was my wife (plus I wasn't sure if there would be repercussions. So by the end of the interview,  as far as they knew Jello was my wife of 21 years. When the question came up on my first day of work I just panicked and told them that my wife was doing great. They seemed happy to hear that and moved onto other subjects.

Inside I felt a pang of regret immediately. I idly wondered if Peter had felt that way when he denied Jesus three times (ok, that is hyperbole, and I don't necessarily follow religion, its just an example). The whole day I was wracked with guilt, I kept wondering if I had really screwed up. I am proud to be married to him, but for some reason the panic erased my normally combative attitude towards anyone who doesn't except Jello as a him. I wish I could say that my answer to them was anything but automatic panic, but it wasn't.

I got home, feeling a little guilty, and I confessed my sins to Jello. I knew he would be understanding and it turned out I was right. He laughed at me when I told him, having thought it very funny that I was uncomfortable. He then turned around reassured me that it was ok. He said that he didn't mind that I had panicked and referred to him as my wife. After all we had been married for 21 years with that understanding. Jello then clarified to me that he isn't expecting official recognition until he is on testosterone. He also indicated that it probably was better I didn't jump the gun before the actual transition started (hopefully December 3rd). After all we don't know if there would be any blowback at me because I would be in a homosexual marriage (and most of the staff are older ladies). I don't think there will be, but because it is our only source of income maybe he is right.

After my guilt passed, I realized it wasn't a big deal. In fact I think what bothered me most is that I didn't stand up to them. My self identity is very combative and unafraid of pushing people. I almost never back down and to find myself backing down upset me a lot. It feels like weakness, and that is not acceptable with how I grew up.

It was eye-opening to realize what bothered me most in the end wasn't telling my coworkers that Jello was my wife, but that I showed what I grew up with thinking as a moment of weakness. It means I need to work not only on how I handle introducing my husband, but also of ridding myself of internal misogyny.

p.s. I apologize for the lack of posts recently, new job got in the way. Hopefully that will change now.