Beginnings

I have been pondering how to start this blog for a while now. I figure I need to get it going so maybe since it is my musings about my spouse transitioning from female to male that maybe I will introduce myself and my marriage in a short (hopefully) post.

I am a cis-gendered, white male in my early 40s. I grew up in a very low socio-economic house (as in lived in a car with a family of five and two dogs for over a year of high school). I grew up around an MC (motorcycle club) and on a normal night saw drinking, violence, drug sales, etc.

While that sounds extreme (and it was), I did grow up in a household that loved me. They were not capable of providing me with stable living, but the love was there. I know that if I had come out as gay as a teenager, it might have taken awhile but my family would have accepted me.

At the age of 21 I married my best friend (I will refer to his online name, Theocratic Jello) and began a life of what was assumed would be the normal bliss, as a man and a woman (I was the only man at the time).  However, shortly after being married we tried the poly lifestyle (and still do on occasion) and we decided we would not have children.  

We have been married now for over 21 years (and even though we are in an open relationship I haven’t been with someone else for over ten years by choice). He is a complete atheist while I am a mix of Buddhist/deist with a tiny sliver of paganish Catholicism.

I am personally bisexual, but in the past I have leaned more towards women. With my wife transitioning to male I continue love him with all my heart, his junk is irrelevant to me (well it’s a fun-time play toy no matter what, otherwise, whatever makes him happy makes me happy).

An important side note is that I also have my own gender identity issues. I am a very large male (6’4” and about 275-280lbs) and would be classified as nothing but masculine. However, if I could snap my fingers and become a small woman (5’2” or so) I would do it in a second.

I am not fully comfortable with my body and I know that I would be very happy as a woman (even if I kept my current sexual organs). However, since I am so masculine I know I would never pass to my satisfaction. It is not that I don’t think others should try, I absolutely think a person should be who they feel they are. I unfortunately will not ever be able to reach a place as a male to female transition to make me happy, so instead of beating my head against a wall, I am trying other avenues while I join my husband on his journey.

So here I am, and this is my journey as a spouse of a female to male transitioning person. The idea of this blog is to give my feedback and to write about my own trials and tribulations on this. Unfortunately when I was first looking around I didn’t find much about the spouse of the transitioning person, and I thought maybe recording my ups and downs, frustrations and happy moments, that I could help someone in the future.

Oh, and evidently I lied, this post isn’t short at all J