Privilege and PDAs

There has been an unexpected consequence with my husband’s transition. My husband and I have always had different levels of acceptance of public displays of affection. I have always been very touchy feely. I love holding his hand, hugging him in public, holding him, etc. I do have to say I haven’t been about heavy kissing/fondling in public for many years, but the rest of it is something I have always had a high drive. I like to constantly reassure him, hold him, hug him, just touch him.

He has always been the opposite. He never really liked a lot of public displays of affection (except with the insertion of alcohol). He has always tolerated the pdas and sometimes initiates them (but much more rarely). When we were younger this did cause some conflict, but we have worked it out so I am not too pushy, and he was a bit more accepting. Also to reiterate it when I mean pushy, I mean holding hands or hugging him.

It has been like this for over twenty years, at least until the transition. Since the transition Jello hasn’t been very responsive at all to public displays of affection unless in a controlled environment, and it has diminished over the transition. I was confused at first, “why would anything change?” I would think to myself. I noticed that he didn’t want to hold my hand in areas we weren’t familiar, especially with lots of people hanging around. I was so confused, and honestly I was hurt a little bit. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to “admit” he was with me.

My husband was kind about it though and explained to me why it bothered him more. He had a history of being attacked when he was younger for similar displays. He explained the danger he faced before we got together when he (at the time appearing as a woman) would date women and be attacked by homophobic assholes. I listened to him, and I can logically understand his worry.

I guess this is where my privilege stands out is that I am a very tall and broad guy and never felt fear about anyone physically. It never even dawned on me to worry about someone else objecting to being married to another guy. 

I do admit that at first I was unhappy, and a bit resentful. It hurt that Jello didn’t want to hold hands, or hug in public areas. Then I guess I grew up a little over a few days when I realized it wasn’t me, it was about the fact that Jello is a small guy and he had a history of getting attacked when he showed any sort of same sex or alternative lifestyle. Sometimes it is hard to step out of your own point of view and take into account other people’s worries.

I realized after thinking about it, that this is also another example of my up until now the heterosexual privilege, which I hadn’t realized I had lived with until it was gone. I am not used to living an alternative lifestyle (that is obvious in the public). It honestly doesn’t bother me, and it doesn’t help the fact that I like conflict and aggression. I have no problem engaging with someone who has an issue with my lifestyle. However this puts unnecessary pressure on Jello. He hates conflict, and with his medical issues it can prove bad to give him too much anxiety. I just need to let it go. I don’t want to make his life more difficult, and I like him happy so I need to work with it.

I don’t have an answer for this, or really any sort of resolution at the moment. I just thought I would post about it. It helps to talk it out here, although I have started to ramble due to no sleep so I will cut it here. I will revisit this later.

Jello's 5 month update!

My husband’s 5 month update.

Jello passes!

Saturday was a first, the first time ever that Jello was assumed to be a boy when we went out together. 

We walked over to a local breakfast diner and sat and had brunch. It was a great time, just hanging with him is all I want to do. The meal was like normal, we joked around, talked about what we were doing later that day (also consoling each other on the cost of the recent car repair).

When Jello asked for the bill (he was taking me out), the waitress smiled and asked if we wanted separate bill for each of us. She obviously assumed Jello was a guy. It was not only the first time he had evidently passed fully (I am so proud of him) but also the first time in 21+ years of marriage that the wait staff assumed we weren't together.

He was stunned that he had passed enough to get that response. He chattered the rest of the day about it. I was very happy for him. I am so very proud of how far he has come. It was weird though, it was the first step into the LGBT+ world for me. The first time that we didn't look like boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. I am sure this is probably what gay couples go through all the time. It was an unexpected feeling, and my first symptom of some loss of privilege of being a heterosexual, Christian, white male. I might unpack that later and look at how I feel about that, but right now I am just celebrating Jello's first time passing.

I have a picture from that meal (I take lots of pictures, I need a better camera) it isn't the best photo, but this is what he looked like.

Jello at the Strawberry Patch.

It was a good weekend.

Husband's Tumblr post

Today I was out hanging with the hubbie, and got a new picture of him. We got home and he did a tumblr post. Since he doesn't do Wordpress, and since the tumblr post doesn't import well here I am recreating it. I am also linking his tumblr here if anyone wants to follow him.

Here is the image he made, click the image to see the full size.

His Tumblr is at http://theocraticjello.tumblr.com

I am so glad he is feeling good about himself.

Well back to writing that post I keep trying to do.

Wow

Yesterday I got a wonderful email from a very supportive lady who reads this blog. It was incredibly supportive and kind. I don't know if she would be ok with me reposting it (and if she gives me the nod that it is ok I will definitely post it), which is why I haven't. It really made me feel good about the blog and about myself and I just wanted to say multiple times thank you to her and to everyone else that has been so great.

As a side note, I realize I haven't had a lot of posts lately, with Jello graduating in 8 weeks, my job working extra and family problems (health problems). However I have several posts half started. I will get on them this week.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate you all, and this experience.

Awesome Weekend

Last weekend was fantastic... scratch that make it double fantastic.

As a tradition, my family generally celebrates multiple birthdays at one time (so we avoid having more than one party a month). This last weekend we celebrated my father's 66th birthday, my sister in-law, and both my little sister's kids, the nephew and niece.

Jello has been stressed about this party. He hasn't seen most of my family since he came a few months ago. To make it worse my family are a pack of feral dogs. I grew up with bikers and you could never tell if things would go smoothly, someone would freak out and throw the table over, if cops will be called, and as a child we generally had a tradition of my dad getting drunk and tossing the Christmas tree out the window (ex Vietnam vet, biker, and always in trouble with the law always resulted in a very memorable childhood). However, no matter how "eccentric" my upbringing, our family is incredibly close.

Now, my family has been sober since Christmas, things have been going great and I had a lot of hopes. Jello, understandably, did not. His family is pretty horrific, they would never have accepted him (fortunately he had split off from his family years ago). We arrived at the house, provided the cake and got to hanging out with my family.

The first few minutes Jello was tense, but within twenty minutes my family were going out of their way to use the pronoun he. They would forget occasionally but they have known him as my wife and their daughter in-law for 22 years, I am surprised and pleased with how hard they were trying. So was he.

My brother joked with him about shaving, and treated Jello just like he treated me. None of the kids reacted badly or strangely to having the adults refer to Jello as my husband. My dad and mom joked with him, and treated him just like they treated him before. There was absolutely no freeze, no hesitation and they repeatedly told Jello they loved him.

The biggest way we could tell he was accepted was they were just as brusque and joking as they are to everyone else. You know you are loved in my family if they are picking on you. When we got out of the apartment after a fun birthday party I noticed Jello was crying and I couldn't figure out why. My first thought was I had done something wrong.

Jello then made it clear to me they were happy tears. He had not expected to be accepted so easily. He knew my family would accept over time (they sometimes react in a weird gut level, but always turn it around and accept people for almost anything). Even I had thought it was possible that they may have to warm up to the idea. After talking for a while Jello made it clear that he was just caught off guard that they didn't even blink when he came out. They accepted him, loved him and would do anything for him.

It was a great birthday party, and that made the weekend great.

I know I have been horrible and not posting much (work is killing me), but here is my husband’s 4 month testosterone update!

Jello

He got dressed up today for a presentation for class. Here he is, in all of his glory!

3 Months on T

My hubbie's video on his third month of taking testosterone.

February 27th, 2014

Just a photo of Jello today, my favorite husband ever!

My first question

I had a person respond to me on tumblr from my last post about my “Insight”. They had a question and I wanted to respond as a post in case anyone else had a similar question. Here was the question:

Hi, I couldn’t find your ask button but I wish to talk to you. I am 31 and I realized I was transgender (ftm) a year ago but had to give up talking to my husband about it after a few painful talks.
Recently, I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I had to discuss with him again. He’s terrified about the prospect of me becoming male. Since you’ve gone through a similar experience, would you care to help me with this? Would you mind writing me an email or a message explaining how you’ve gone through your husband’s transition, how you felt then and how it has affected you? I hope this isn’t too rude a request but you can really help me here.

I am really sorry that you had to originally give up talking with your husband. I am glad you decided to come back out to him and talk more, just like I told my husband, you need to do what you need to do.
I apologize before we even get started, this response is longer than I wanted, and even with as long as it is it still isn’t as concise and in depth as I wanted.

My husband’s transition was actually not a surprise. Even though he was very feminine looking, he was always very masculine in his outlook, sexually, mechanically, ego wise, so I was a bit startled but not surprised. We have always talked about everything. When we got married, we were (and still are) best friends.

However, I was nervous when he told me. I did struggle for the first few minutes not to say something less than positive (nothing negative, but I had to resist the urge to be selfish). Even not being surprised that much it was awkward to say the least. I attribute that less to my having revulsion or dislike of my spouse transitioning and more to just being scared.

He has helped me stay calm about this by being reassuring that he still loves me, that nothing has changed. He also was clear that he understood if I left him. I never even considered that, but everyone is different. I don’t know how someone else would react.

The biggest fear I had (and still have) is that the outward change will mean an inner change on my husband. I can happily be married to my spouse no matter how they looked. They could have remained a very attractive woman, they could become a man, or they could become something in the middle and that doesn’t bother me.

There is still a fear in me that as a man he would feel differently about me. I think this is how society raises males, the assumption that men don’t love the same as a woman. I hadn’t realized I had bought into that until my husband came out and I realized that fear was there.
As for what you can do. I will try and condense it.

• Communicate with him constantly. Talking, even if it is uncomfortable is what will help process the information. The more you talk together the more it won’t be such a foreign concept to him.
• Reassure him. You are physically changing a lot. It is scary for him. He will ask himself if you will love him still. Will you still want to do the same things, or will your personality change. He may logically realize you probably won’t change too much on the inside, but the fear is there. I still struggle with this emotionally, but logically I know it.
• Have him read as many sources as you can find on transgender, transitioning and especially FTM. There is a lot of MTF stuff out there, but less so for FTM. I will see if my husband has more sites.
• Sit and read/watch/listen to those resources with him. If you are there with him it will help bond the idea between you two and will reassure him that he isn’t just being dumped in a corner.
• Remind him, and yourself, that this is for the long haul. It won’t ever be a road that ends, and bad and good things will happen. It is a journey, not a switch that is flipped.
• Most importantly realize that he just may not accept it for whatever reason in the end. You need to remember YOU are a good person. You deserve to be who you are. You can’t live your life for someone else.

When my husband came out to me he told me he would not transition if I would lose him. I was horrified by this. If any of my friends had told me that they needed to transition of course I would tell them they need to do it, no matter what their partner says. How could I treat him any differently then a friend who doesn’t mean as much to me. So no matter what, if you feel this is your path, then take it.

This is a really long response, and I realize not very definitive. PLEASE ask me more questions if you have them. If you want to pin down a specific question or a dozen questions I am more than happy to answer them, just keep asking. I really do want to help, and this helps me process the journey as well so it is sort of a mutual healing.

Also I just wanted to thank you for asking the question, I am honored that you wanted my opinion, no matter how long winded it is :).

Insight

I discovered something last week, that there are elements of my husband’s transition that does bother me. I don’t think it is the way that most people think. I am not bothered by his transition from his birth situation to where he should be. I am only a little caught off guard that I am now in a homosexual marriage when I was married in a conventional marriage for 20 years. I don’t have a problem kissing or having sex. It was a minor thing this week, it was about my lack of ability to provide input into the situation. My lack of having anything to give to the transition.

We have been talking about my husband shaving for the first time. He has the nicest, lightest fuzz growing, although it was starting to get long and my husband asked me to show him how to shave. We were going to do it last week, but life gets in the way and we just didn’t get to it.

So a couple of days ago my husband called me at work and told me proudly that he had shaved. My first reaction was to rib him a little about being a real man and to tell him how proud I was of him. The second emotion that hit me was incredible amount of disappointment that he didn’t wait until I got home so I could show him how.

It is an unreasonable feeling to be annoyed. He is a full grown adult, he can do whatever he wants and it really isn’t a big deal. However, I found it really bothered me for quite a while. The worst part was I couldn’t figure out why it bothered me so much. I was more disappointed with myself for feeling that way then the actual original disappointment.

On my way home a few hours later I figured it out. I was upset purely because I felt that one of the very few things that I could contribute to the transition was teaching him how to shave. Not that he really needed me to, but I guess it had developed into something I was looking forward to, something that I could show him how, and I could give him some knowledge (however little it was) that I gained in the 42 years on this earth that I have been around.

I am not mad at him, and I don’t really feel disappointed anymore (although it does have a niggle occasionally). It was eye opening though to realize that I am bothered by the transition in the fact that I don’t really have a role in helping his transition. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am supporting him financially and emotionally, but there is a weird feeling of helplessness other than that. I hate feeling powerless, but I do admit I do have a bit of a control freak nature about my surroundings so I have to take it my original disappointment with a grain of salt.

This was a good experience, it taught me something about myself. It also let me know that I might subconsciously react negatively for reasons I don’t even understand. I am proud of my husband and I am glad he is following the path he needs to. I just wanted to share with others in my situation, it isn’t abnormal to feel powerless as a partner/friend of someone transitioning, just realize it and accept it. I do admit, I still am working on that last bit, but it is progressing.

I suspect I will post more in depth later about this, once I have thought about it more.

Expanding my focus.

I have been struggling with posts lately. It is not a lack of things to post about, I have several written up, but they were less based on the transition in our marriage and more on my observations of now being in a gay marriage. I wasn’t sure if they fit in this blog, so I hadn’t posted them yet.

I suspect there is less to write about the transition then I expected has to do with the fact we have had an incredibly successful 20+ year marriage before his transition. Other then a few things that pop up nothing bad has happened so far. In fact, we have actually weathered things in the past that have had a larger impact on our marriage then the transition (such as being polyamorous, family problems, and schooling). I hadn’t expected it to go this smoothly so far.

Because of this, I have been thinking I am going to expand this blog to include my observations on the LGBTQ+ community as well. As a new person to the community it has already been an interesting ride. I am already encountering issues for being gay by the rest of society. This is not unexpected, I have always been an ally, but it is definitely different being the subject of it and not someone on the side.

What I hadn’t expected was the weird pushback from the LGBTQ+ community as not being seen as “really gay”. I am not sure how much more gay I could be then to be devotedly married to a man.
I do think whether or not I am gay or bisexual in the bedroom is quibbling now. For society I am gay. I am married to a man, I am male and holding hands with my husband in public definitely leaves me outside of the heterosexual community.  The reaction by some people in the LGBTQ+ community who were telling me I am not gay and I don’t have a place in the community has left me feeling even more alone then I expected when I started this blog.

I am posting this here now, just so everyone who follows me knows ahead of time that I am still posting posts about Jello’s transition, but I will also be adding other stuff involving being  in the LGBTQ+ community. If that isn’t your thing, I am glad to have met you and I wish you good luck, if you hang around maybe you can help me maneuver this new life I am in.

I do find it humorous that my husband always jokes to me about making me “accidentally gay”. I find it funny enough I am going to change the name of the blog to “Accidentally Gay”. I like the title better then my current title for the site and will be switching it up. :)

First whiskers

Yesterday Jello and I were laying in bed, hanging out on a lazy Sunday morning before he had to do more schoolwork (he is graduating in four months with his accounting degree, after being a nurse for 12+ years). We both noticed over the last few days the tiniest puberty whiskers happening, the kind that are almost downy like on his cheeks and upper lip.

Yesterday though it was definitely easier to see and there was more of it. It was still very light, making it more difficult to see (it tended to made his face look dirty as opposed to looking like he had whiskers), but it was there. It made my heart stop for a moment and my anxiety again popped up that he wouldn't love me as much as he would have as a woman. Stupid, I know (and I have talked about this before) but it was still there.

It quickly disappeared, the second I felt it I recognized that it was just anxiety and not reality, but still I think because it was another step towards in the transition I just had a momentary panic attack.

A good thing happened because of it though, even with my panic and worry about his changes, when I looked into his eyes, I saw the same person I have been in love with for the last 23 years. That person was still there and still loved me. I knew I still loved him, no matter what body his soul rests in. I know I will have anxiety on occasion, but he was really cool about it and we talked. It is working out well.

We also decided that today I would teach him how to shave... that is a bit disorientating too, to think I need to teach someone to shave. Since we didn't have children I just never thought I would have to teach basic boy skills. Definitely an unexpected experience

Work

I am cross posting a portion of my last personal blog entry, mainly because it may have something to do with my experiences of having a transitioning husband.

Last few weeks of work have been weird and uncomfortable. The job itself is fine, I don't mind finding people avoiding taxes and honestly for the most part I don't mind nailing them. Unfortunately it isn't my job duties itself that is bothering me.

I found out today that I won't be considered for part time telecommuting for at least three more months (originally a month ago I was told February). This is frustrating, especially so since I took a 25% paycut because of the flexibility of this job. However, it is turning out there isn't much flexibility. It is ok though, it will keep us going until Jello graduates.

The next problem is training is all over the place. I can do the audits, but the fine details are still not completely explained to me and results in a fairly steady stream of "please do this again and do it "x" way". I never have to repeat this, but it bothers my own sense of self that this keeps popping up because I wasn't told how to handle specific circumstances.

What worries me is that both the nitpicking and the moving back my date of telecommuting by months came after I mentioned in passing my husband's proper pronouns of  he/him. I can't say for sure my boss realized what I had said, but the behavior has changed since then and alarmed me. In all fairness though, my agency is undergoing some upper echelon changes so maybe it is that as well. That would almost be worse as it would be a sign that the agency itself is going downhill and that would be bad.

I have talked to my husband and will continue to use the she/her pronoun forms until my probation is over in May (I haven't come out to my work on the transition, they had interviewed me before Jello had decided to go all the way so at the time I had talked about my wife). I absolutely HATE doing this, hate hate hate, but I cannot risk being able supporting my husband financially until he has graduated and is working.

I think I am going to start putting apps out. Low pay with no flexibility is not something I want. The job is interesting, it is a combination accountant/auditor/private investigator but the payoff is just too little at the moment. I am especially uncomfortable at the timing in this change of behavior since my coworkersare all strongly Christian. I think it would be easier to get a better paying job and get hired already using male pronouns, that way if I get hired or not they will already know.

Jello Update.

Jello did an update video on his two month anniversary of taking testosterone.

My Husband is Writing Again!

I am excited, my husband Jello has a regular spot with Queereka as a writer (he has done it for a couple other places). He has his first article there entitled "But it's just a compliment". He is talking about his experience before his change and how men would aggressively harass a woman on the street.

It is a great article, he is a great writer and this Sunday he will be in a panel as well.

I am so proud of him!

A bit of anxiety

I have noticed over the last few weeks that my wonderful husband's change is coming along well with the testosterone shot. I also noticed that I have some preconceived notions on behavior of men.

Lately I have been more anxious about Jello wanting to bail. I have always had a bit of a self esteem problem, but it has escalated and I couldn't tell you why until last week. It dawned on me that a very small part of me isn't sure how to believe a guy wants to stick with their spouse like a gal would.

I know that makes no sense, I am a guy and I am devoted to my husband, with no doubts on how much I love him. I for some reason never  questioned that a woman could if she decided be the same way and stay with a partner. Yet, there is some sort of inbuilt idea that you can't trust that a guy will (except me of course, which is another break in my logic that doesn't make sense). Strangely enough, this goes for hetero relationships, I haven't ever doubted that a homosexual relationship can be as devoted (yes, I completely realize another break in my logic is that part of me still hasn't fully changed my outlook that I am in a gay marriage now, I know it and I tell everyone but evidently it is still percolating).

Of course I suspect the majority of my actual stress is overworking. Long days, with less than five hours of sleep a night is resulting in my anxiety level being higher. Since the transition is one of the biggest events currently in my life I suspect it becomes the focus of that stress. So in the end what I am saying is nothing bad is happening, I just have little outbreaks of anxiety. Things are going well, I just wanted to whine a bit. :)

One other point, I guess this is saying something good for the shift for Jello, the process is slow but happening enough that it triggers weird things in me.

First Introductions

I realize it has been a little bit since my last post. Unfortunately my work has been a killer so I apologize, I should be posting more now.

Yesterday was the first time I introduced my husband as my husband to new people. Up until now I haven't really met anyone new in our group. They all are aware of Jello and are fully supportive. Yesterday we decided to go check out the local gaming store, I was considering purchasing my first set of Warhammer 40k figs in about twenty years.

We showed up at the store and in normal gamer geek friendliness we were swamped with three different gentleman who wanted to show us around the store. It was funny though, one of them stopped and looked at Jello for a few seconds. I don't think he meant at all to be rude, rather you could see he was adjusting his thought pattern. Jello passes if someone doesn't look closely (the T is starting to work, but he looks like a very little kid at the moment if people don't notice the boobs, which will be fixed within a year). The new person looked him over and hesitated. After a few seconds they obviously made some decision on Jello and went back to normal.

I think the initial judgment by that gentleman was that Jello was a girl, since he did a double take when I referenced Jello as my husband and as a he in our conversation. Even so they were all very nice, and honestly their reactions were very fair. When I got home I thanked them on the facebook page for the store for how they made me and my husband feel very welcome. I got over dozen replies from them and others welcoming us. So at least at an initial glance my first introduction to new people with my husband went well.

I do have to admit I was a bit nervous. Now we are entering a phase where the world will see me in a homosexual relationship. I honestly have no personal problems with that, but its new territory. I am a bit terrified that I will get the push back for being gay from the straight people I meet, but that I won't be accepted by the LGBT community. I have read a lot lately that some people have never been accepted within the gay community and I do worry my social/friend status will be cut short because I don't fit in to any group anymore.

I suspect I will be writing a lot about that. My focus has been so much on supporting my husband I really haven't talked or thought about the push back I will get. Although I do have an advantage, I grew up in a house of feral dogs and I love fighting. I do look forward to being in someone's face and telling them what I think of them (whether its because they are dissing me or my husband won't matter... actually I will probably be ten times more aggressive if they diss my husband).

So as a warning, there will probably be lots of posts about this in the future.

First Month on Testosterone

First month update from the husband about the changes he has had from testosterone.