Yesterday Jello and I were laying in bed, hanging out on a lazy
Sunday morning before he had to do more schoolwork (he is graduating in
four months with his accounting degree, after being a nurse for 12+
years). We both noticed over the last few days the tiniest puberty
whiskers happening, the kind that are almost downy like on his cheeks
and upper lip.
Yesterday though it was
definitely easier to see and there was more of it. It was still very
light, making it more difficult to see (it tended to made his face look
dirty as opposed to looking like he had whiskers), but it was there. It
made my heart stop for a moment and my anxiety again popped up that he
wouldn't love me as much as he would have as a woman. Stupid, I know
(and I have talked about this before) but it was still there.
It
quickly disappeared, the second I felt it I recognized that it was just
anxiety and not reality, but still I think because it was another step
towards in the transition I just had a momentary panic attack.
A
good thing happened because of it though, even with my panic and worry
about his changes, when I looked into his eyes, I saw the same person I
have been in love with for the last 23 years. That person was still
there and still loved me. I knew I still loved him, no matter what body
his soul rests in. I know I will have anxiety on occasion, but he was
really cool about it and we talked. It is working out well.
We
also decided that today I would teach him how to shave... that is a bit
disorientating too, to think I need to teach someone to shave. Since we
didn't have children I just never thought I would have to teach basic
boy skills. Definitely an unexpected experience
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