Just a photo of Jello today, my favorite husband ever!
Thursday, February 27, 2014
My first question
I had a person respond to me on tumblr from my last post about my
“Insight”. They had a question and I wanted to respond as a post in case
anyone else had a similar question. Here was the question:
Hi, I couldn’t find your ask button but I wish to talk to you. I am 31 and I realized I was transgender (ftm) a year ago but had to give up talking to my husband about it after a few painful talks.
Recently, I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I had to discuss with him again. He’s terrified about the prospect of me becoming male. Since you’ve gone through a similar experience, would you care to help me with this? Would you mind writing me an email or a message explaining how you’ve gone through your husband’s transition, how you felt then and how it has affected you? I hope this isn’t too rude a request but you can really help me here.
I am really sorry that you had to originally give up talking with your husband. I am glad you decided to come back out to him and talk more, just like I told my husband, you need to do what you need to do.
I apologize before we even get started, this response is longer than I wanted, and even with as long as it is it still isn’t as concise and in depth as I wanted.
My husband’s transition was actually not a surprise. Even though he was very feminine looking, he was always very masculine in his outlook, sexually, mechanically, ego wise, so I was a bit startled but not surprised. We have always talked about everything. When we got married, we were (and still are) best friends.
However, I was nervous when he told me. I did struggle for the first few minutes not to say something less than positive (nothing negative, but I had to resist the urge to be selfish). Even not being surprised that much it was awkward to say the least. I attribute that less to my having revulsion or dislike of my spouse transitioning and more to just being scared.
He has helped me stay calm about this by being reassuring that he still loves me, that nothing has changed. He also was clear that he understood if I left him. I never even considered that, but everyone is different. I don’t know how someone else would react.
The biggest fear I had (and still have) is that the outward change will mean an inner change on my husband. I can happily be married to my spouse no matter how they looked. They could have remained a very attractive woman, they could become a man, or they could become something in the middle and that doesn’t bother me.
There is still a fear in me that as a man he would feel differently about me. I think this is how society raises males, the assumption that men don’t love the same as a woman. I hadn’t realized I had bought into that until my husband came out and I realized that fear was there.
As for what you can do. I will try and condense it.
This is a really long response, and I realize not very definitive. PLEASE ask me more questions if you have them. If you want to pin down a specific question or a dozen questions I am more than happy to answer them, just keep asking. I really do want to help, and this helps me process the journey as well so it is sort of a mutual healing.
Also I just wanted to thank you for asking the question, I am honored that you wanted my opinion, no matter how long winded it is :).
Hi, I couldn’t find your ask button but I wish to talk to you. I am 31 and I realized I was transgender (ftm) a year ago but had to give up talking to my husband about it after a few painful talks.
Recently, I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I had to discuss with him again. He’s terrified about the prospect of me becoming male. Since you’ve gone through a similar experience, would you care to help me with this? Would you mind writing me an email or a message explaining how you’ve gone through your husband’s transition, how you felt then and how it has affected you? I hope this isn’t too rude a request but you can really help me here.
I am really sorry that you had to originally give up talking with your husband. I am glad you decided to come back out to him and talk more, just like I told my husband, you need to do what you need to do.
I apologize before we even get started, this response is longer than I wanted, and even with as long as it is it still isn’t as concise and in depth as I wanted.
My husband’s transition was actually not a surprise. Even though he was very feminine looking, he was always very masculine in his outlook, sexually, mechanically, ego wise, so I was a bit startled but not surprised. We have always talked about everything. When we got married, we were (and still are) best friends.
However, I was nervous when he told me. I did struggle for the first few minutes not to say something less than positive (nothing negative, but I had to resist the urge to be selfish). Even not being surprised that much it was awkward to say the least. I attribute that less to my having revulsion or dislike of my spouse transitioning and more to just being scared.
He has helped me stay calm about this by being reassuring that he still loves me, that nothing has changed. He also was clear that he understood if I left him. I never even considered that, but everyone is different. I don’t know how someone else would react.
The biggest fear I had (and still have) is that the outward change will mean an inner change on my husband. I can happily be married to my spouse no matter how they looked. They could have remained a very attractive woman, they could become a man, or they could become something in the middle and that doesn’t bother me.
There is still a fear in me that as a man he would feel differently about me. I think this is how society raises males, the assumption that men don’t love the same as a woman. I hadn’t realized I had bought into that until my husband came out and I realized that fear was there.
As for what you can do. I will try and condense it.
- Communicate with him constantly. Talking, even if it is uncomfortable is what will help process the information. The more you talk together the more it won’t be such a foreign concept to him.
- Reassure him. You are physically changing a lot. It is scary for him. He will ask himself if you will love him still. Will you still want to do the same things, or will your personality change. He may logically realize you probably won’t change too much on the inside, but the fear is there. I still struggle with this emotionally, but logically I know it.
- Have him read as many sources as you can find on transgender, transitioning and especially FTM. There is a lot of MTF stuff out there, but less so for FTM. I will see if my husband has more sites.
- Sit and read/watch/listen to those resources with him. If you are there with him it will help bond the idea between you two and will reassure him that he isn’t just being dumped in a corner.
- Remind him, and yourself, that this is for the long haul. It won’t ever be a road that ends, and bad and good things will happen. It is a journey, not a switch that is flipped.
- Most importantly realize that he just may not accept it for whatever reason in the end. You need to remember YOU are a good person. You deserve to be who you are. You can’t live your life for someone else.
This is a really long response, and I realize not very definitive. PLEASE ask me more questions if you have them. If you want to pin down a specific question or a dozen questions I am more than happy to answer them, just keep asking. I really do want to help, and this helps me process the journey as well so it is sort of a mutual healing.
Also I just wanted to thank you for asking the question, I am honored that you wanted my opinion, no matter how long winded it is :).
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Insight
I discovered something last week, that there are elements of my
husband’s transition that does bother me. I don’t think it is the way
that most people think. I am not bothered by his transition from his
birth situation to where he should be. I am only a little caught off
guard that I am now in a homosexual marriage when I was married in a
conventional marriage for 20 years. I don’t have a problem kissing or
having sex. It was a minor thing this week, it was about my lack of
ability to provide input into the situation. My lack of having anything
to give to the transition.
We have been talking about my husband shaving for the first time. He has the nicest, lightest fuzz growing, although it was starting to get long and my husband asked me to show him how to shave. We were going to do it last week, but life gets in the way and we just didn’t get to it.
So a couple of days ago my husband called me at work and told me proudly that he had shaved. My first reaction was to rib him a little about being a real man and to tell him how proud I was of him. The second emotion that hit me was incredible amount of disappointment that he didn’t wait until I got home so I could show him how.
It is an unreasonable feeling to be annoyed. He is a full grown adult, he can do whatever he wants and it really isn’t a big deal. However, I found it really bothered me for quite a while. The worst part was I couldn’t figure out why it bothered me so much. I was more disappointed with myself for feeling that way then the actual original disappointment.
On my way home a few hours later I figured it out. I was upset purely because I felt that one of the very few things that I could contribute to the transition was teaching him how to shave. Not that he really needed me to, but I guess it had developed into something I was looking forward to, something that I could show him how, and I could give him some knowledge (however little it was) that I gained in the 42 years on this earth that I have been around.
I am not mad at him, and I don’t really feel disappointed anymore (although it does have a niggle occasionally). It was eye opening though to realize that I am bothered by the transition in the fact that I don’t really have a role in helping his transition. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am supporting him financially and emotionally, but there is a weird feeling of helplessness other than that. I hate feeling powerless, but I do admit I do have a bit of a control freak nature about my surroundings so I have to take it my original disappointment with a grain of salt.
This was a good experience, it taught me something about myself. It also let me know that I might subconsciously react negatively for reasons I don’t even understand. I am proud of my husband and I am glad he is following the path he needs to. I just wanted to share with others in my situation, it isn’t abnormal to feel powerless as a partner/friend of someone transitioning, just realize it and accept it. I do admit, I still am working on that last bit, but it is progressing.
I suspect I will post more in depth later about this, once I have thought about it more.
We have been talking about my husband shaving for the first time. He has the nicest, lightest fuzz growing, although it was starting to get long and my husband asked me to show him how to shave. We were going to do it last week, but life gets in the way and we just didn’t get to it.
So a couple of days ago my husband called me at work and told me proudly that he had shaved. My first reaction was to rib him a little about being a real man and to tell him how proud I was of him. The second emotion that hit me was incredible amount of disappointment that he didn’t wait until I got home so I could show him how.
It is an unreasonable feeling to be annoyed. He is a full grown adult, he can do whatever he wants and it really isn’t a big deal. However, I found it really bothered me for quite a while. The worst part was I couldn’t figure out why it bothered me so much. I was more disappointed with myself for feeling that way then the actual original disappointment.
On my way home a few hours later I figured it out. I was upset purely because I felt that one of the very few things that I could contribute to the transition was teaching him how to shave. Not that he really needed me to, but I guess it had developed into something I was looking forward to, something that I could show him how, and I could give him some knowledge (however little it was) that I gained in the 42 years on this earth that I have been around.
I am not mad at him, and I don’t really feel disappointed anymore (although it does have a niggle occasionally). It was eye opening though to realize that I am bothered by the transition in the fact that I don’t really have a role in helping his transition. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am supporting him financially and emotionally, but there is a weird feeling of helplessness other than that. I hate feeling powerless, but I do admit I do have a bit of a control freak nature about my surroundings so I have to take it my original disappointment with a grain of salt.
This was a good experience, it taught me something about myself. It also let me know that I might subconsciously react negatively for reasons I don’t even understand. I am proud of my husband and I am glad he is following the path he needs to. I just wanted to share with others in my situation, it isn’t abnormal to feel powerless as a partner/friend of someone transitioning, just realize it and accept it. I do admit, I still am working on that last bit, but it is progressing.
I suspect I will post more in depth later about this, once I have thought about it more.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Expanding my focus.
I have been struggling with posts lately. It is not a lack of things
to post about, I have several written up, but they were less based on
the transition in our marriage and more on my observations of now being
in a gay marriage. I wasn’t sure if they fit in this blog, so I hadn’t
posted them yet.
I suspect there is less to write about the transition then I expected has to do with the fact we have had an incredibly successful 20+ year marriage before his transition. Other then a few things that pop up nothing bad has happened so far. In fact, we have actually weathered things in the past that have had a larger impact on our marriage then the transition (such as being polyamorous, family problems, and schooling). I hadn’t expected it to go this smoothly so far.
Because of this, I have been thinking I am going to expand this blog to include my observations on the LGBTQ+ community as well. As a new person to the community it has already been an interesting ride. I am already encountering issues for being gay by the rest of society. This is not unexpected, I have always been an ally, but it is definitely different being the subject of it and not someone on the side.
What I hadn’t expected was the weird pushback from the LGBTQ+ community as not being seen as “really gay”. I am not sure how much more gay I could be then to be devotedly married to a man.
I do think whether or not I am gay or bisexual in the bedroom is quibbling now. For society I am gay. I am married to a man, I am male and holding hands with my husband in public definitely leaves me outside of the heterosexual community. The reaction by some people in the LGBTQ+ community who were telling me I am not gay and I don’t have a place in the community has left me feeling even more alone then I expected when I started this blog.
I am posting this here now, just so everyone who follows me knows ahead of time that I am still posting posts about Jello’s transition, but I will also be adding other stuff involving being in the LGBTQ+ community. If that isn’t your thing, I am glad to have met you and I wish you good luck, if you hang around maybe you can help me maneuver this new life I am in.
I do find it humorous that my husband always jokes to me about making me “accidentally gay”. I find it funny enough I am going to change the name of the blog to “Accidentally Gay”. I like the title better then my current title for the site and will be switching it up. :)
I suspect there is less to write about the transition then I expected has to do with the fact we have had an incredibly successful 20+ year marriage before his transition. Other then a few things that pop up nothing bad has happened so far. In fact, we have actually weathered things in the past that have had a larger impact on our marriage then the transition (such as being polyamorous, family problems, and schooling). I hadn’t expected it to go this smoothly so far.
Because of this, I have been thinking I am going to expand this blog to include my observations on the LGBTQ+ community as well. As a new person to the community it has already been an interesting ride. I am already encountering issues for being gay by the rest of society. This is not unexpected, I have always been an ally, but it is definitely different being the subject of it and not someone on the side.
What I hadn’t expected was the weird pushback from the LGBTQ+ community as not being seen as “really gay”. I am not sure how much more gay I could be then to be devotedly married to a man.
I do think whether or not I am gay or bisexual in the bedroom is quibbling now. For society I am gay. I am married to a man, I am male and holding hands with my husband in public definitely leaves me outside of the heterosexual community. The reaction by some people in the LGBTQ+ community who were telling me I am not gay and I don’t have a place in the community has left me feeling even more alone then I expected when I started this blog.
I am posting this here now, just so everyone who follows me knows ahead of time that I am still posting posts about Jello’s transition, but I will also be adding other stuff involving being in the LGBTQ+ community. If that isn’t your thing, I am glad to have met you and I wish you good luck, if you hang around maybe you can help me maneuver this new life I am in.
I do find it humorous that my husband always jokes to me about making me “accidentally gay”. I find it funny enough I am going to change the name of the blog to “Accidentally Gay”. I like the title better then my current title for the site and will be switching it up. :)
Monday, February 17, 2014
First whiskers
Yesterday Jello and I were laying in bed, hanging out on a lazy
Sunday morning before he had to do more schoolwork (he is graduating in
four months with his accounting degree, after being a nurse for 12+
years). We both noticed over the last few days the tiniest puberty
whiskers happening, the kind that are almost downy like on his cheeks
and upper lip.
Yesterday though it was definitely easier to see and there was more of it. It was still very light, making it more difficult to see (it tended to made his face look dirty as opposed to looking like he had whiskers), but it was there. It made my heart stop for a moment and my anxiety again popped up that he wouldn't love me as much as he would have as a woman. Stupid, I know (and I have talked about this before) but it was still there.
It quickly disappeared, the second I felt it I recognized that it was just anxiety and not reality, but still I think because it was another step towards in the transition I just had a momentary panic attack.
A good thing happened because of it though, even with my panic and worry about his changes, when I looked into his eyes, I saw the same person I have been in love with for the last 23 years. That person was still there and still loved me. I knew I still loved him, no matter what body his soul rests in. I know I will have anxiety on occasion, but he was really cool about it and we talked. It is working out well.
We also decided that today I would teach him how to shave... that is a bit disorientating too, to think I need to teach someone to shave. Since we didn't have children I just never thought I would have to teach basic boy skills. Definitely an unexpected experience
Yesterday though it was definitely easier to see and there was more of it. It was still very light, making it more difficult to see (it tended to made his face look dirty as opposed to looking like he had whiskers), but it was there. It made my heart stop for a moment and my anxiety again popped up that he wouldn't love me as much as he would have as a woman. Stupid, I know (and I have talked about this before) but it was still there.
It quickly disappeared, the second I felt it I recognized that it was just anxiety and not reality, but still I think because it was another step towards in the transition I just had a momentary panic attack.
A good thing happened because of it though, even with my panic and worry about his changes, when I looked into his eyes, I saw the same person I have been in love with for the last 23 years. That person was still there and still loved me. I knew I still loved him, no matter what body his soul rests in. I know I will have anxiety on occasion, but he was really cool about it and we talked. It is working out well.
We also decided that today I would teach him how to shave... that is a bit disorientating too, to think I need to teach someone to shave. Since we didn't have children I just never thought I would have to teach basic boy skills. Definitely an unexpected experience
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Work
I am cross posting a portion of my last personal blog entry, mainly
because it may have something to do with my experiences of having a
transitioning husband.
Last few weeks of work have been weird and uncomfortable. The job itself is fine, I don't mind finding people avoiding taxes and honestly for the most part I don't mind nailing them. Unfortunately it isn't my job duties itself that is bothering me.
I found out today that I won't be considered for part time telecommuting for at least three more months (originally a month ago I was told February). This is frustrating, especially so since I took a 25% paycut because of the flexibility of this job. However, it is turning out there isn't much flexibility. It is ok though, it will keep us going until Jello graduates.
The next problem is training is all over the place. I can do the audits, but the fine details are still not completely explained to me and results in a fairly steady stream of "please do this again and do it "x" way". I never have to repeat this, but it bothers my own sense of self that this keeps popping up because I wasn't told how to handle specific circumstances.
What worries me is that both the nitpicking and the moving back my date of telecommuting by months came after I mentioned in passing my husband's proper pronouns of he/him. I can't say for sure my boss realized what I had said, but the behavior has changed since then and alarmed me. In all fairness though, my agency is undergoing some upper echelon changes so maybe it is that as well. That would almost be worse as it would be a sign that the agency itself is going downhill and that would be bad.
I have talked to my husband and will continue to use the she/her pronoun forms until my probation is over in May (I haven't come out to my work on the transition, they had interviewed me before Jello had decided to go all the way so at the time I had talked about my wife). I absolutely HATE doing this, hate hate hate, but I cannot risk being able supporting my husband financially until he has graduated and is working.
I think I am going to start putting apps out. Low pay with no flexibility is not something I want. The job is interesting, it is a combination accountant/auditor/private investigator but the payoff is just too little at the moment. I am especially uncomfortable at the timing in this change of behavior since my coworkersare all strongly Christian. I think it would be easier to get a better paying job and get hired already using male pronouns, that way if I get hired or not they will already know.
Last few weeks of work have been weird and uncomfortable. The job itself is fine, I don't mind finding people avoiding taxes and honestly for the most part I don't mind nailing them. Unfortunately it isn't my job duties itself that is bothering me.
I found out today that I won't be considered for part time telecommuting for at least three more months (originally a month ago I was told February). This is frustrating, especially so since I took a 25% paycut because of the flexibility of this job. However, it is turning out there isn't much flexibility. It is ok though, it will keep us going until Jello graduates.
The next problem is training is all over the place. I can do the audits, but the fine details are still not completely explained to me and results in a fairly steady stream of "please do this again and do it "x" way". I never have to repeat this, but it bothers my own sense of self that this keeps popping up because I wasn't told how to handle specific circumstances.
What worries me is that both the nitpicking and the moving back my date of telecommuting by months came after I mentioned in passing my husband's proper pronouns of he/him. I can't say for sure my boss realized what I had said, but the behavior has changed since then and alarmed me. In all fairness though, my agency is undergoing some upper echelon changes so maybe it is that as well. That would almost be worse as it would be a sign that the agency itself is going downhill and that would be bad.
I have talked to my husband and will continue to use the she/her pronoun forms until my probation is over in May (I haven't come out to my work on the transition, they had interviewed me before Jello had decided to go all the way so at the time I had talked about my wife). I absolutely HATE doing this, hate hate hate, but I cannot risk being able supporting my husband financially until he has graduated and is working.
I think I am going to start putting apps out. Low pay with no flexibility is not something I want. The job is interesting, it is a combination accountant/auditor/private investigator but the payoff is just too little at the moment. I am especially uncomfortable at the timing in this change of behavior since my coworkersare all strongly Christian. I think it would be easier to get a better paying job and get hired already using male pronouns, that way if I get hired or not they will already know.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
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