First whiskers

Yesterday Jello and I were laying in bed, hanging out on a lazy Sunday morning before he had to do more schoolwork (he is graduating in four months with his accounting degree, after being a nurse for 12+ years). We both noticed over the last few days the tiniest puberty whiskers happening, the kind that are almost downy like on his cheeks and upper lip.

Yesterday though it was definitely easier to see and there was more of it. It was still very light, making it more difficult to see (it tended to made his face look dirty as opposed to looking like he had whiskers), but it was there. It made my heart stop for a moment and my anxiety again popped up that he wouldn't love me as much as he would have as a woman. Stupid, I know (and I have talked about this before) but it was still there.

It quickly disappeared, the second I felt it I recognized that it was just anxiety and not reality, but still I think because it was another step towards in the transition I just had a momentary panic attack.

A good thing happened because of it though, even with my panic and worry about his changes, when I looked into his eyes, I saw the same person I have been in love with for the last 23 years. That person was still there and still loved me. I knew I still loved him, no matter what body his soul rests in. I know I will have anxiety on occasion, but he was really cool about it and we talked. It is working out well.

We also decided that today I would teach him how to shave... that is a bit disorientating too, to think I need to teach someone to shave. Since we didn't have children I just never thought I would have to teach basic boy skills. Definitely an unexpected experience

Work

I am cross posting a portion of my last personal blog entry, mainly because it may have something to do with my experiences of having a transitioning husband.

Last few weeks of work have been weird and uncomfortable. The job itself is fine, I don't mind finding people avoiding taxes and honestly for the most part I don't mind nailing them. Unfortunately it isn't my job duties itself that is bothering me.

I found out today that I won't be considered for part time telecommuting for at least three more months (originally a month ago I was told February). This is frustrating, especially so since I took a 25% paycut because of the flexibility of this job. However, it is turning out there isn't much flexibility. It is ok though, it will keep us going until Jello graduates.

The next problem is training is all over the place. I can do the audits, but the fine details are still not completely explained to me and results in a fairly steady stream of "please do this again and do it "x" way". I never have to repeat this, but it bothers my own sense of self that this keeps popping up because I wasn't told how to handle specific circumstances.

What worries me is that both the nitpicking and the moving back my date of telecommuting by months came after I mentioned in passing my husband's proper pronouns of  he/him. I can't say for sure my boss realized what I had said, but the behavior has changed since then and alarmed me. In all fairness though, my agency is undergoing some upper echelon changes so maybe it is that as well. That would almost be worse as it would be a sign that the agency itself is going downhill and that would be bad.

I have talked to my husband and will continue to use the she/her pronoun forms until my probation is over in May (I haven't come out to my work on the transition, they had interviewed me before Jello had decided to go all the way so at the time I had talked about my wife). I absolutely HATE doing this, hate hate hate, but I cannot risk being able supporting my husband financially until he has graduated and is working.

I think I am going to start putting apps out. Low pay with no flexibility is not something I want. The job is interesting, it is a combination accountant/auditor/private investigator but the payoff is just too little at the moment. I am especially uncomfortable at the timing in this change of behavior since my coworkersare all strongly Christian. I think it would be easier to get a better paying job and get hired already using male pronouns, that way if I get hired or not they will already know.

Jello Update.

Jello did an update video on his two month anniversary of taking testosterone.

My Husband is Writing Again!

I am excited, my husband Jello has a regular spot with Queereka as a writer (he has done it for a couple other places). He has his first article there entitled "But it's just a compliment". He is talking about his experience before his change and how men would aggressively harass a woman on the street.

It is a great article, he is a great writer and this Sunday he will be in a panel as well.

I am so proud of him!

A bit of anxiety

I have noticed over the last few weeks that my wonderful husband's change is coming along well with the testosterone shot. I also noticed that I have some preconceived notions on behavior of men.

Lately I have been more anxious about Jello wanting to bail. I have always had a bit of a self esteem problem, but it has escalated and I couldn't tell you why until last week. It dawned on me that a very small part of me isn't sure how to believe a guy wants to stick with their spouse like a gal would.

I know that makes no sense, I am a guy and I am devoted to my husband, with no doubts on how much I love him. I for some reason never  questioned that a woman could if she decided be the same way and stay with a partner. Yet, there is some sort of inbuilt idea that you can't trust that a guy will (except me of course, which is another break in my logic that doesn't make sense). Strangely enough, this goes for hetero relationships, I haven't ever doubted that a homosexual relationship can be as devoted (yes, I completely realize another break in my logic is that part of me still hasn't fully changed my outlook that I am in a gay marriage now, I know it and I tell everyone but evidently it is still percolating).

Of course I suspect the majority of my actual stress is overworking. Long days, with less than five hours of sleep a night is resulting in my anxiety level being higher. Since the transition is one of the biggest events currently in my life I suspect it becomes the focus of that stress. So in the end what I am saying is nothing bad is happening, I just have little outbreaks of anxiety. Things are going well, I just wanted to whine a bit. :)

One other point, I guess this is saying something good for the shift for Jello, the process is slow but happening enough that it triggers weird things in me.

First Introductions

I realize it has been a little bit since my last post. Unfortunately my work has been a killer so I apologize, I should be posting more now.

Yesterday was the first time I introduced my husband as my husband to new people. Up until now I haven't really met anyone new in our group. They all are aware of Jello and are fully supportive. Yesterday we decided to go check out the local gaming store, I was considering purchasing my first set of Warhammer 40k figs in about twenty years.

We showed up at the store and in normal gamer geek friendliness we were swamped with three different gentleman who wanted to show us around the store. It was funny though, one of them stopped and looked at Jello for a few seconds. I don't think he meant at all to be rude, rather you could see he was adjusting his thought pattern. Jello passes if someone doesn't look closely (the T is starting to work, but he looks like a very little kid at the moment if people don't notice the boobs, which will be fixed within a year). The new person looked him over and hesitated. After a few seconds they obviously made some decision on Jello and went back to normal.

I think the initial judgment by that gentleman was that Jello was a girl, since he did a double take when I referenced Jello as my husband and as a he in our conversation. Even so they were all very nice, and honestly their reactions were very fair. When I got home I thanked them on the facebook page for the store for how they made me and my husband feel very welcome. I got over dozen replies from them and others welcoming us. So at least at an initial glance my first introduction to new people with my husband went well.

I do have to admit I was a bit nervous. Now we are entering a phase where the world will see me in a homosexual relationship. I honestly have no personal problems with that, but its new territory. I am a bit terrified that I will get the push back for being gay from the straight people I meet, but that I won't be accepted by the LGBT community. I have read a lot lately that some people have never been accepted within the gay community and I do worry my social/friend status will be cut short because I don't fit in to any group anymore.

I suspect I will be writing a lot about that. My focus has been so much on supporting my husband I really haven't talked or thought about the push back I will get. Although I do have an advantage, I grew up in a house of feral dogs and I love fighting. I do look forward to being in someone's face and telling them what I think of them (whether its because they are dissing me or my husband won't matter... actually I will probably be ten times more aggressive if they diss my husband).

So as a warning, there will probably be lots of posts about this in the future.

First Month on Testosterone

First month update from the husband about the changes he has had from testosterone.