Christmas Eve 2013

I am a little late in posting, but I wanted to say my first family gathering with Jello and his in-laws went extraordinarily well.

I don't want to sound horrible by saying I was worried, but I was. My parents and siblings have all been supportive, but I haven't seen my siblings since Jello came out (especially my sister) face to face.

They were incredibly good to Jello. My family isn't what you would call respectful to anything, our jokes are always inappropriate, and balances just on the edge of unacceptable.

Not much detail to go into honestly, they asked a few questions and were quite clear the whole time that they still loved Jello. They apologized that it would take time to change the pronouns, but even I still make mistakes when I am not thinking.
It was a good Christmas Eve (sorry that's all I have this morning).

Morning wakeup

Woke up this morning not feeling good (I feel fine now that I am up moving around). Jello and I have talked for several years of getting yearly portraits done. We mean well, but either due to money, time or just not getting around to it we put it off.

This morning I woke up upset that we hadn't started it already years ago. Don't get me wrong, not a single regret with what Jello is doing, rather just a regret I didn't record more before the transition I guess.

I sat up for a few minutes with that regret, then I felt another wave of being bad/regretful that I even had those feelings in the first place. I am happy in my marriage and with my husband (and I was happy with it when I woke up and felt bad about the past, not about the current situaiton). I guess I am just maudlin this morning.

Something Different!

I realize it isn't really on "subject" for the blog, but sharing anything about my husband should be here. So here is a photo of my wonderful husband and cat, Jello and Marmalade.

Quiet Moment/Jello Video

Just wanted to pop in here for two reasons. One is to showoff Jello’s most recent video about testosterone and his transition.

Second is to just say that things are going well. My job has keep me working so much that every moment with Jello is treasured. His reaction to T is going well, and remarkably he has been working out and starting to show some muscles. I told him he better not get bigger muscles then me :).

I will hopefully update more soon.

Unnecessary Anxiety

I have to admit there has been a bit of anxiety when it came to the prospect of sex after Jello started taking T. Don't get me wrong, I don't think logically there would be any difference, but I emotionally was worried that J wouldn't find me attractive, or that something might be different in our chemistry, or that T would cause some other change.

Well for the first time in months we were able to connect fully. School is over for Jello, I was off from work and not totally wiped out and the T had started so that anxiety was over. We connected just as well if not better then we had before. I realize a lot of changes are coming and that this is only the second week of T, but just this small step reassured my illogical anxiety.

I noticed a couple of things. One is that the rumors that T makes the transitioning person more sensitive does seem to be accurate, and from what he has told me the libido has also increased. All good things. To be honest though, I think the biggest reason for the intensity between us was that Jello could be who he really is. It makes me happy that he can feel like he can be himself. His happiness makes everything worth it for me.

I just wanted to say that its nice that the anxiety lessens a bit. It really does give me hope for the future.

First shot of T

My husband got his first shot of T last Friday. I am both excited and proud, yet a little bit sad/worried. We uploaded a video of the shot.

I am very happy. His anxiety has decreased, he has been smiling a lot and I really do think this fits for him. I was happy to be there. I did have a short time of anxiety, but that passed incredibly quickly though.

I know he is worried I won't be interested after his change and I am positive he is wrong there. I love him more than anything and I am not leaving. However, even if that did happen I think this is important that he does it. He would have stayed a woman if I had objected, but no one should ever limit themselves from the fear of losing someone. He needs to be who he is, not who society expects.

I am proud of him, oh and yes that is me filming and making inappropriate comments with my incredibly shaky cam. I promise to work on the filming in the future :).

The Appointment

My husband posted another video, about his first appointment. I was there during the appointment and it went really well. He is pretty fantastic (Jello, the person talking in the video :)).

If ReinventingLucky is following you... it's me.

I just realized that for some reason I am only able to follow all of you as “reinventing lucky” I just wanted to say I am following you, but evidently under my normal day to day blog. They are the one and the same person, just one is my trans/gender identity blog and the other is everything else (separated out so if someone wants to read my gender/marriage blog they aren’t stuck reading everything else).

Wow, I evidently type like MoJo JoJo from the Power Puff Girls.

Side note: People have asked if I have a separate blog for anonymity. That can't be further from the truth. I am totally happy people realizing the two blogs are the same person. I did it more rather so I can focus on the trans/gender identity and possible LGBT/Hetero Society acceptance in one blog, and my other inane ramblings in another :)

Silent Partner

First, before I get into my post, I want to make clear that my husband Jello is supportive of me. He sometimes is overwhelmed with his own situation of school, health and transition and that I understand. Sometimes he is distracted by his own fight and this post has nothing to do with that or him. He is not who I am talking about in this post.

There is something I have noticed since my husband came out. That the spouses of transitioning people seem to be in a weird area that leaves them the silent partner. I have done a lot of research online and in the real world and support groups for the non-transitioning spouse are either sporadic or non-existent. I see very little writings about/for them (hence one of the reasons for this blog) and when I do find things, most of them are long out of date and from the point of a wife being supportive of her transitioning partner. Very little of their writings deals with the support they get for themselves, it almost seems like they don't actually get much support for them.

I found this translates into my personal life as well. My husband has an incredibly supportive group of people. Our friends and my family both are incredibly accepting of his transition. All of them continually inquire if they can help him, or if there is something he needs. This makes me incredibly happy for him. He is undergoing a tremendous amount of stress and nothing but positive coming back, even from schoolmates that we didn't expect it from.

Here is where I feel like an asshole. Once Jello came out, there were a ton of questions to me, how was he feeling, did he need anything, etc. Of course I replied appropriately to whatever question was asked, ensuring they knew what he needed or wanted. However, I felt like I was in a weird shadow. As if I only existed as an extension of him. One friend did ask if I was going to stay with him, of course I answered yes. Once I said yes, then the questions went back about Jello. I am happy they assume my love is so strong for Jello, that I had absolutely no problem with the transition, but I found I felt hurt.

I couldn't figure out why I was hurt until my family asked me how I was doing, and what did I think about the transition. They wanted to make sure if they could do anything for me to make it easier during the transition. They seemed to understand it was going to take a lot on my part to change. While Jello is going through the physical/emotional/societal changes of becoming a man, I was going to have to undergo the changes in my 21 year marriage and on my own sexuality as well.

To my family, I had been fully heterosexual when I married my "wife" and now 21 years into my marriage I was going to be married to a guy (my dad mentioned he was glad Gay Marriage was approved in my state last year). Of course my parents don't know that I am more genderqueer then that. Jello says I am "just gay enough". Although I could fall in love with a guy, I am more orientated as a bisexual towards women.

My parents are right, I am struggling a lot with the loss of my wife, the gaining of a husband, and the fact that I was now in a de-facto gay marriage with an even more unusual situation of being married to a transitioning husband. I already addressed the awkwardness of the future coming out to my coworkers. I was saddened that my family recognized that, but not my friends. I feel alone a lot. I know I could go to a friend and they would listen, but it was the fact that I wasn't taken into consideration that hurt.

I realize as a person I am generally closed off. I don't talk a lot about my feelings in general. In fact, I haven't even cried since I was 16, (I am now 42). I usually shove my feelings into a deep dark hole inside me. That is what makes this blog sometimes hard to write in. I feel like I am a bad person for feeling hurt or frustrated and I don't want to seem like I am taking any of Jello's support, because he needs all he could get.

My feelings are battling each other right now. Part of me is sad and a bit disappointed with the situation above, and the other part of me is disgusted with myself for being sad by it. The disgusted part of me feels like I am betraying Jello or trying to take away from the focus on him and that I should shut up. Honestly, maybe I am being a whiny baby about it.

Part of me wants to delete this blog post. I am embarrassed that I even feel this way by something so little. I am a little worried that by putting out there my frustrations like this, I will seem like the asshole jealous husband. The few blogs I have seen out there are almost 100% support blogs for the transitioning partner with no posts about their own frustration. It makes me worried that I am messed up in the head and being unreasonable.

Jello's Transition Introduction Video

It has been an extremely quiet week for me. Nothing on this front has really happened, except my husband just started his Youtube blog dedicated to his transition. I can never pimp his stuff enough, so here it is, his first Youtube blog entry:

Uncomfortable feelings

Earlier this week I came home from work and found Jello giving away his old clothes when he dressed like a girl. He looked surprised and said that he felt bad that I caught him giving them to our friend Artemus. He seemed worried I would be upset at the cost. He had that look as if I had caught him cheating on me.

Nothing could be further from the truth, the cost doesn't bother me at all. He could burn everything he owned and I would find a way to buy him a new wardrobe, computer, anything that day and wouldn't worry about the cost (even if we had to use credit cards). I know that sounds weird, but its the way I have always been with him and the way I have always helped.

Artemus was worried as well, but I spent the rest of the evening reassuring both of them that it was fine. I am glad that it is going to Artemus, I really don't have a problem with her getting his clothes. The weird thing is over the last three days something has bothered me.

It definitely wasn't the loss of value of the clothes, but I suspect more like giving away the clothes of someone who has broken up with you or died. Jello hasn't died, he is still here but I guess there is something inside of me that hasn't quite let go of the wife I married. I suspect this won't go away for a long time, that I will need to work this out many times. 

Don't get me wrong, I love Jello so much it hurts, that hasn't changed at all (and it won't). I suspect though that the differences are something I will probably struggle with for awhile. I am not sure why it has bothered me the last few days, but I think it bothers me less. Maybe it will make me feel better if we go buy him a new wardrobe.

Artemus came over the next day wearing some of the clothes that was given to her. For some reason that did feel like a kick in the stomach. I couldn't tell you why. They looked good on her, Jello was there so it wasn't like he was away for the evening so no association that he had left me, and everyone was in good spirits. For some reason though it bothered me a lot to see it. Stupid I know.

Actually thinking about it, I suspect seeing my spouse's clothes being given away and all that space freed up might remind me of when we broke up 2o+ years ago when we were just teenagers and he moved out. He had a bunch of clothes that he had packed in garbage bags when he left. Subsequently we got back together six months later and that is the start of our marriage.

That isn't all of it, but I am sure that is a little part of it. It is weird that things that niggle at you.

Interactions at work

I started my  new job last week and I came across a new situation.

How do I refer to my husband to my new coworkers since he hasn't begun to transition yet?

In my prior job from over a year ago, they knew Jello as a her, and while I am sure there would be gossip behind my back, they would accept the transition without hesitation. He was always "a little odd" and they were never surprised by the stories I would tell. However, I don't know about my current job.

My first day at work was scattered, nerve wracking, having a three hour commute I wasn't used to, it all just added up to an overtired spouse. I got to meet my coworkers and they all seemed incredibly nice. We made small talk that included previous jobs, experiences, school and finally family. They of course all asked me how my wife was doing. This was the first time this had ever been asked of me by strangers and I was stumped for a moment.

My original contact with my new coworkers was during my initial interview. When I first met them Jello had not fully decided on transition (he was considering if he could live in-between). Because of that I maintained during my interview that Jello was my wife (plus I wasn't sure if there would be repercussions. So by the end of the interview,  as far as they knew Jello was my wife of 21 years. When the question came up on my first day of work I just panicked and told them that my wife was doing great. They seemed happy to hear that and moved onto other subjects.

Inside I felt a pang of regret immediately. I idly wondered if Peter had felt that way when he denied Jesus three times (ok, that is hyperbole, and I don't necessarily follow religion, its just an example). The whole day I was wracked with guilt, I kept wondering if I had really screwed up. I am proud to be married to him, but for some reason the panic erased my normally combative attitude towards anyone who doesn't except Jello as a him. I wish I could say that my answer to them was anything but automatic panic, but it wasn't.

I got home, feeling a little guilty, and I confessed my sins to Jello. I knew he would be understanding and it turned out I was right. He laughed at me when I told him, having thought it very funny that I was uncomfortable. He then turned around reassured me that it was ok. He said that he didn't mind that I had panicked and referred to him as my wife. After all we had been married for 21 years with that understanding. Jello then clarified to me that he isn't expecting official recognition until he is on testosterone. He also indicated that it probably was better I didn't jump the gun before the actual transition started (hopefully December 3rd). After all we don't know if there would be any blowback at me because I would be in a homosexual marriage (and most of the staff are older ladies). I don't think there will be, but because it is our only source of income maybe he is right.

After my guilt passed, I realized it wasn't a big deal. In fact I think what bothered me most is that I didn't stand up to them. My self identity is very combative and unafraid of pushing people. I almost never back down and to find myself backing down upset me a lot. It feels like weakness, and that is not acceptable with how I grew up.

It was eye-opening to realize what bothered me most in the end wasn't telling my coworkers that Jello was my wife, but that I showed what I grew up with thinking as a moment of weakness. It means I need to work not only on how I handle introducing my husband, but also of ridding myself of internal misogyny.

p.s. I apologize for the lack of posts recently, new job got in the way. Hopefully that will change now.

21st Anniversary

Today is the 21st wedding anniversary with my partner Jello. I started out heterosexual and marrying a woman in 1992, and 21 years later I am in a gay relationship with a spectacular man named Jello. All the same person.

I just wanted to comment how much I love him. It doesn't matter to me what he looks like physically (but he was hot both when he was a woman and now that he found his true self as a very hot guy).

This is us on Halloween 1992, Jello is on the left :)

This is Jello during Halloween 2013. It is pre-testosterone and I have some better pictures of his passing, but I thought I would try to get direct pictures for our wedding day and our 21st anniversary.

I just had to reiterate that there are a lot of days that aren't challenging but full of love and are great. I figure there will be future "before and after photos" that I will post as I reminisce about it.

Privilege

This post is the first in what will probably be a ton of posts about my privilege. I hadn’t even known the concept until just a year or two ago, and even now I am sometimes embarrassed by the privilege I didn’t realize I had (the only privilege I probably never had was class, as I grew up poor, but I am a white, male, able-bodied, and up until recently passed as a hetero) Because this touches on privilege issues I will cross post this with my normal blog as well.

Well, now that we are back from Geek Girl Con (GGC) I can put more thoughts down on paper, or blog as it is. It was a great weekend and I do have to say GGC is the most open-minded con I have been to. It was great to meet and see so many transgender people who are part of the con, and not the cast outs. There were some very pretty women and men there (and no, that doesn’t mean they all passed, I found some of both genders that didn’t pass just as attractive). Seeing so many of them got me thinking about my own personal view and some realizations I had made.

I will be honest, since adulthood I have always been attracted to trans* people. I watched a lot of porn featuring transgendered individuals (mostly transgendered women, I hadn’t realized how attracted I might be to transgendered men until my husband came out). Some of my friends knew I had a lot of different tastes in porn but remarkably I never got a lot of flack for liking it.

I had always imagined before I got together with Jello, and after we opened up our relationship (we are poly on and off), that I would be just as happy with a transgendered woman as I would be with a cis-gendered woman. The plumbing of the individual didn’t matter at all to me, my requirements for my female partner was for her to believe she was a woman, not if she had a cis-gendered body. I am currently discovering I don’t think an individual needs to identify as anything anymore, Jello’s transitioning opened my eyes up to what I really am interested in, and for me that is just someone to love and take care of.

However, recently I discovered one of many points of my cis-gendered, white male privilege that I had never considered before. I never understood why non cis-gendered women were so reluctant to date cis-gendered men that were sexually attracted to them. I heard the term fetishizing a lot, but I hadn’t understood what they meant by that. Why would a woman be reluctant to date another person who is interested in them sexually, especially because they weren’t cis-gendered?

I kept going over in my head trying to figure out what was wrong with that. Then I finally made a breakthrough. When my husband came out I began to look more into the social issues surrounding transitioning individuals. I wanted to be supportive for him and understand any possible issues that might affect him or perhaps anyone who I might date in the future that is not cis-gendered.

I had always thought if I dated a non cis-gendered woman that she would go out with me everywhere on dates and just to hang out, like any girlfriend would. She would get to know my friends and family and would eventually become part of my family if things progressed, just like any cis-gendered relationship.

However, I kept seeing that same set of references about men fetishizing these women. So I read a lot more blogs and YouTube channels by non cis-gendered women. It finally dawned on me that a lot of guys wouldn’t treat the women as girlfriends, but just as booty calls. For some reason there was a disconnect for me. I knew that women were treated poorly and as booty calls due to numerous other reasons (looks, social position, culture, etc) but it had never even glimmered in my mind that transitioning women weren’t considered “real women” and therefore were something to play with but leave at home. I was absolutely flabbergasted by that.

That was an eye opener. I feel like I was very naive, as I NEVER imagined not treating someone like my girlfriend (and now I can include husband as well) if we were intimate. It truly had never mattered to me for any reason, so I had wrongfully assumed everyone else was like that in believing there is no shame in being with someone, no matter his or her beliefs, social position, race, original gender or disability.

Now that I realize this, I feel incredibly dumb for not catching it before. It makes sense, I have seen other guys treat booty calls poorly and when that happened it always made me angry with the guy. It never even dawned on me that a transitioning woman wouldn’t be treated like a cis-gendered woman.

The fact I missed this I blame on my white, male, cis-gendered and outwardly appearing hetero privilege (I will lose the hetero privilege as soon as the T works on Jello, and I am more than happy to lose that privilege).

What makes it worse is that I sometimes felt offended by some of the posts. I felt defensive that someone would question my interest in him or her because I am cis-gendered. I never struck back at someone for it, but the frustration was there on occasion. Now that I realize what it was about I am ashamed of that, and especially with the understanding I gained in reading about the subject I feel like I need to hang my head in shame.

This just shows me that there are so many issues I don’t see because of my privilege. I need to make it one of my primary objectives to review everything around me with as clear a view as I can and get rid of that white male worldview, and if possible help others get rid of it as well.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming J

Hubbie at Geek Girl Con

My hubbie posted this yesterday. We went to Geek Girl Con and had some interesting reactions. Will probably post more later about the con, it was great to see so many genderfluid people.

http://theocraticjello.tumblr.com/post/64655141284/im-not-crossplaying

It is about his experience in someone commenting on his cosplay and assuming he was a "she" that was crossplaying.

A great article by my husband

My husband wrote an insightful article, I can't recommend it enough. It is about the privilege he gained when transitioning from a woman to a man.

http://feministhivemind.com/?p=925

Unexpected Support

First, I want to just say that my parents (Jello's in-laws) have been supportive of his decision to transition. However, no matter how supportive they have been, I hadn't expected this call.

About three nights ago I got a call from my father who was a bit tipsy. Whenever he is in that condition I am very aware of everything he says. Having grown up around him and a dozen bikers I knew that some of the most horrendous things could be said without thought (with much apologies the next morning).

He first confirmed with me that I might get a job that would require me to travel for training. It would require me to travel during the week down to the capitol and stay in a hotel for two months of training. Jello and I have already worked through this and accepted it might be needed.

I confirmed this to my father, and to my surprise I got a lecture from him. He lectured me that Jello would need me, and I better make sure if the job gets in the way that I quit that job and be there for my husband. He then reiterated it several times, and then wished me a good night. He politely hung up, leaving me stunned.

I sat there stunned for a few seconds, Jello asked me if anything was wrong and I told him what happened. I swear his jaw dropped like a cartoon character's jaw would. We both recovered quickly and recounted how unexpected that was. We both knew my father loved Jello, but the quickness they accepted and his firm belief I need to be there for Jello was unexpected.

My family has a lot of problems, but evidently support for a transitioning spouse is not one of them.

Working out boundaries

I realize my post from earlier today was a bit maudlin, but I would like to say we had a great conversation overall with Jello. Another portion of that conversation I had with Jello in the car from Ikea was about boundaries. Mainly about what he felt comfortable with me talking about publicly about our relationship pre-transition.

To give a little feedback, I am on several FtM blogs/tumblrs/etc and some of the posts indicate that the transitioning husband (and wife sometimes) did not want their significant other of several years to keep pictures or talk publicly before they transitioned. Basically they were upset that their significant other wanted to keep pictures public, talk about publicly or in any way reference about the relationship pre-transition. 

First, I want to say I understand why some people who transition want to do so in a stealth manner. They are in a situation that could be violent, lose their job, etc. Or perhaps they just don't want to acknowledge it. I completely understand that viewpoint... However (and you knew there was going to be a "but" in this) I don't think its entirely fair to the significant other that they have to forget about publicly at least (and in some cases they weren't supposed to talk about the relationship pre-transition privately as well).

As the spouse of a transitioning person (and I would have felt this way beforehand), I don't think its very fair to have someone who is not transitioning not only have to adapt to the changes of the transition, but not acknowledge or even celebrate the relationship that happened before the transition. So not only does that person have to grieve the loss of the dynamics of the previous relationship, they have to burn the entire set of publicly talking about those memories of that relationship.

Don't get me wrong, I understand why the transitioning person feels this way so its that dissonance between what the two parties that worried me on how Jello felt. I am reluctant to even consider not talking about Jello being my wife for 20+ years. I have a ton of pictures of him then, some of them even were quite sexy.

So we talked about it. I suspected he would be ok with me talking publicly and still keeping pictures and stuff like that. He confirmed it though, he has no problem with it. Then again he isn't trying to stealth, and is fairly loud about being someone who is transitioning. He especially believes this is needed to give outside people more context about transitioning people. The more outside people see that, the more they realize that people that are transgender are not weird, unusual or anything other than their neighbors, family and friends.

I don't know how I would have felt about getting rid of all photographs, but I was definitely willing to delete the super sexy ones. He reiterated he was fine with it. That is who he was for 40+ years. This means you will probably see pictures of Jello pre, mid, and post transition.

This helped a lot with my anxiety yesterday. It really offset the gut punch I had felt a few minutes early (and that was my problem, not Jello's to begin with). I am very happy that I am married to a hot guy, but I am still allowed to show off and be proud I married a hot woman 21 years ago. I was worried that he would be uncomfortable with old pictures of himself, but the opposite seemed to be how he felt. It felt good to know I didn't have to bury my history as I head into the new part of my life with the best spouse in the world.

That is about all there is on this subject at the moment, its early morning and I notice my post is starting to ramble, but I really want to write these things as they pop up and not let the posts slip away.

Gut Punch

Getting to know my husband’s new look one day at a time excites me. I realize I already deeply know the innermost secrets of him, but his look is new and slowly changing. I think he is a hot guy.

 Yesterday at Ikea, we were starting our drive home when Jello asked me if he looks like a guy from behind. I was honest, not really. Part of the problem is Jello has very girl like hips and ass, and the other problem is the sway that he has when he walks. An incredibly feminine walk, one of those melty, hot walks that some women have. The hips will disappear as testosterone kicks in, plus the jogging (and if those two don’t finalize he is getting liposuction). The walk is a different matter.

Jello has always walked like a woman for as long as I have known him (age 16). I know when he was young his school mates accused him of walking like a lumberjack so he intentionally developed one of those walks that sways hips and butt. When he was a woman in outlook (before he knew he was transgendered) he practiced that walk. Ever since I have married him (actually since I got a crush on him at age 17) his walk was almost magical.

Jello then asked me if I would help him get rid of that walk which had been reinforced by 25 years of practice and habit. It was built into his day-to-day movements and he couldn’t really determine when he was walking like that. I immediately said yes, of course I would help. I completely understand, I wouldn’t want to walk that way (and while it might be funny to have someone come out and call me on walking like that, I could understand his view). Especially since he wants to put being a woman behind him, I can definitely help, and I want to.

A strange thing happened though, even while I agreed I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I am not at all against his transition; it is something he needs to do. I knew that his physical appearance will change and I am ok with that. I love him. The gut punch though was hard enough that for a brief second I almost felt like I should cry.

That is something I haven’t done in front of someone for 26 years (I think 16 is the last time I cried in front of anyone, although there have been probably a couple nights over the years that by myself it was close enough to crying). Its not that I think crying is bad, but since I reached an adult I tend to get quiet and shove it down inside. Yes, I have a definite slew of my own problems that have NOTHING to do with the journey Jello is on.

I knew logically this would involve a little pain on my side, but it’s the first example of watching the woman I married get stripped away into the man I love. It is stupid really, I have never considered how Jello walks, never even talked about it to anyone. Yet for a moment (well a few minutes) it was the weirdest sense of something being torn from my life. I was doubly upset because I knew logically I know I shouldn’t be bothered by it. It is his body and his life. I have no control over how he walks, I do not own him, and so that made me even more upset that I was upset in the first place. Yes, even then I realized the ludicrousness of that outlook.

I couldn’t really talk for the next couple of miles. When something really upsets me (even watching the cartoon UP) I can usually shove it down into the hole and forget about it. It took me a lot longer than normal. All I could do was nod, agree I would help and smile, I wasn’t really capable of in-depth conversation.

It was a weird sensation watching as a portion of my old wife was discussed and stripped away. It is probably the only time so far that this transition bothered me. Not in a way that I want to stop it, but in a grieving way. 

I know I am going to grieve losing my wife, no matter how excited I am about my husband. It won’t lessen my love for my husband at all, and I think this will make us closer that he transitions. If he feels more real to himself that can do nothing but help our relationship. I was just taken aback by the sense of loss over something I had never really considered more than watching “her” walk from behind and imagining being with “her”, when he was my wife.

This is probably scattered, I woke up at no-god early in the morning to write this.

Another Nagging Anxiety

I have never had a lot of self-confidence in things. I have always believed I am not worth the same as those around me and I tend to want to give things I have to others because I tend to think they want more. I just wanted to be clear about my normal state of mind before I address this anxiety. This outlook is purely my baggage, I have had it my whole life and cannot be laid at Jello's feet.

I have never understood why my spouse stays with me. I have always felt they could find someone who was more attractive, makes more money, and can do more for them. Jello has never said anything but that they are happy with me and want me. This usually keeps my anxiety down to a low roar. Even if inside the darkest part of me I don't believe it (they are telling the truth, its my inner demons that call it a lie).

With Jello's transformation though my anxiety has spiked up. We currently have an open relationship, however Jello is not interested in pursuing others (too much school, finances, and the transition itself so no time). I have the opportunity to seek others out but I haven't been interested (plus I am very feminine in how I approach things, I have had offers for one night stands, but I like to be friends and now the person I am with).

I also am reluctant about pursuing others because somehow inside me it feels like if I pick an additional partner it will be a way for Jello to be able to leave me and not feel bad. This is purely irrational and not based on fact. I know it would relieve Jello if I found a girlfriend, he is worried that part of me wont be satisfied by being married to a man when we started out I was married to a woman. He also is aware that my sex drive is a lot more than he can match (which is fine with me, I have no pressure on him, he should never participate if he isn't interested).

However, there is a large fear that has surfaced. It is not rational and I know that logicallyI am worried that when Jello's transition is complete and he is on testosterone that he won't be interested in me. That somehow the change will make him lose interest and pursue other people instead.

Part of this fear is based on the fact that his sex drive will probably kick up when he takes testosterone. Right now our sex life is great but by far his sex drive is a lot lower then mine. This coupled with the fact that he used to like to hunt partners for one night stands before we got married (another indicator that maybe he didn't fit in the gender binary as a woman). This and the fact that the fear the testosterone will make him interested more in women then me has been worrying me a lot.

Now, I logically know this is not the case. I have no doubt that he loves me, he wants to be with me and that I make him happy sexually. However, there is that little inner demon that whispers I am not attractive enough, I don't make enough money and there is no way he would be just satisfied with me.

There really is no cure or resolution at the moment, its just something I have to work on. I thought I might share that fear as I am sure others have it as well. I think it is probably a normal (albeit unreasonable) fear. I know that Jello loves me more than anything, and I love him even more than that. In the end all that can be done is communicate and be there. Things will work out, I just wanted to express my worries to the world and maybe offer some commiseration with others.

:)

One Anxiety

I woke up this morning with a lot of anxiety for my husband. I suspect it is due to a lot of things, including dreams last night. So this morning I have been working out in my head my first anxiety.

I have noted some of my anxieties have increased since my husband decided to transition. Like I have said earlier, I am a big guy, and I have always been protective over him. When we got married, he was a small girl, who had been assaulted in the past and because he was both a loud dresser (punk clothes in 80s, and almost always some variant of alternative after that) he got a lot of flack. This doesn't even count the sexual assaults.

So when we married in 1992 I was always concerned when he would walk home alone, or pretty much walk anywhere if it was dark or in a rough neighborhood. Don't get me wrong, I am sure he can take care of himself, but he is so much smaller than I am and he hasn't really been in a lot of fights, so I am still overly protective.

Now that he is transitioning I have found my anxiety for his safety is even higher. Not only does he deal with the fact that he dresses alternatively, has a loud personality and is fairly small. Now he has to deal with being identified as gay (since before he was considered a heterosexual female by outside viewers) and what makes me even more nervous, if he gets called out for transitioning. Transitioning seems to freak a lot of people out when they realize it's happening. I understand its unusual and therefore remarkable, but couple that with him being identified as gay does worry me.

Take for example day to day problems such as when he has to start choosing which bathroom to use depending on the situation. Is the situation one where he has to worry about another male in the boys bathroom might freak, or should he use the woman's bathroom until he can fully pass? These situations vary per place he goes to and I worry about one of those fluke situations going wrong.

I know he is worried about me as well, and now that we walk down the street showing any public affection I will be called out for being gay (which I don't mind). However, unlike him I am not small and I am fully looking forward to the first stupid person to get in my face. This is the advantage of being a very large and masculine body, not many people at all have an intimidation factor for me. However, Jello is different, he is small and I am worried easily broken.

The crux of the matter is I am anxious for him. I haven't figured out the best way to deal with that worry, so this post is mostly a ramble by me about the anxiety itself, not really any solid approaches to handle it. I am sure there will be many more posts about this fear. Just thought I would share this morning.

Even though it has been awhile (a few weeks) since my husband came out to me that he wanted to transition from being my wife to being my husband. I wanted to give a little feedback about that from my perspective on that situation.

First, let me say it wasn’t a huge surprise that Jello wanted to transition. Jello has always been an overly masculine tomboy per our cultural norms. Jello has always been the one to work on cars, to talk loud, to take sex as a one night stand situation (Jello has always held the iconic male view on sex). I also know that Jello has been crushed in the past because Jello was treated differently then the other guys because he had boobs.

Also, we are tabletop/videogame/LARP role-players. I have ran games for Jello for over twenty years and over that time there have been dozens of characters he has played that rode the gender line or completely jumped across it. Our fantasy life sexually has been the same, we have reversed genders in role-play (it sounds weird, but it can be a lot of fun).

Jello has always talked with me about his worries. He started slow; by saying he wasn’t sure if being a woman felt right. Funny thing is, I already knew that. Twenty years of marriage to your best friend leaves both sides understanding the other far better then the other thinks. I told him I loved him no matter what.

He then came to me one Sunday night, after I had ran a role-playing game session for him and said he wanted to transition. It wasn’t a surprise, and I have always believed a person’s body is their own property. When he decided to get a tubaligation early into our marriage I originally ok’ed it from my side purely because it was “her” body and her right (since then I have determined I am happy without kids myself so it was win-win situation).

Jello expressed to me that he was worried that once he started taking testosterone, that I wouldn’t love him anymore. Up until this point, while I have played with both boys and girls I have ever only sought out relationships with girls. That did give me a little bit of a pause. Not a “will I leave Jello” pause, but rather a “how would I handle sex with him” pause. It took about 10 seconds to determine that this could be a completely new and fun exploration.

I do want to say that I totally realize its one thing to say it is ok, and another after he has been taking testosterone for a year and looks like a boy, not like a well-endowed woman. I have no doubts though; I will just take it day by day. I think the key here is to keep communicating with each other.

Jello was so surprised that I hadn’t even really hesitated and that I already knew. I mean there was a surprise that he had actually, finally said he wanted to transition, but I knew it had been coming for a long time. The only sadness I had about him saying it is I wished he had said it ten or twenty years ago. It bothers me he has lived in a body he doesn’t want for so long.

Jello stated up front that he would not go through transition if it meant I would leave him. I stated clearly back that if someone tells someone else to not be whom he or she feels they are, then they should leave. I would fully expect (and hope) that Jello would leave me if I refused to accept him. People deserve better, and keeping yourself unhappy just for your spouse or family is such a bad thing that I would counsel anyone to leave.

I want to address the fact that your mileage may vary. Our situation is very unique, and I realize a lot of spouses out there will be hit out of the blue by this revelation. Each case is unique and I don’t think I can do anything but empathize with someone who didn’t see it coming.

Beginnings

I have been pondering how to start this blog for a while now. I figure I need to get it going so maybe since it is my musings about my spouse transitioning from female to male that maybe I will introduce myself and my marriage in a short (hopefully) post.

I am a cis-gendered, white male in my early 40s. I grew up in a very low socio-economic house (as in lived in a car with a family of five and two dogs for over a year of high school). I grew up around an MC (motorcycle club) and on a normal night saw drinking, violence, drug sales, etc.

While that sounds extreme (and it was), I did grow up in a household that loved me. They were not capable of providing me with stable living, but the love was there. I know that if I had come out as gay as a teenager, it might have taken awhile but my family would have accepted me.

At the age of 21 I married my best friend (I will refer to his online name, Theocratic Jello) and began a life of what was assumed would be the normal bliss, as a man and a woman (I was the only man at the time).  However, shortly after being married we tried the poly lifestyle (and still do on occasion) and we decided we would not have children.  

We have been married now for over 21 years (and even though we are in an open relationship I haven’t been with someone else for over ten years by choice). He is a complete atheist while I am a mix of Buddhist/deist with a tiny sliver of paganish Catholicism.

I am personally bisexual, but in the past I have leaned more towards women. With my wife transitioning to male I continue love him with all my heart, his junk is irrelevant to me (well it’s a fun-time play toy no matter what, otherwise, whatever makes him happy makes me happy).

An important side note is that I also have my own gender identity issues. I am a very large male (6’4” and about 275-280lbs) and would be classified as nothing but masculine. However, if I could snap my fingers and become a small woman (5’2” or so) I would do it in a second.

I am not fully comfortable with my body and I know that I would be very happy as a woman (even if I kept my current sexual organs). However, since I am so masculine I know I would never pass to my satisfaction. It is not that I don’t think others should try, I absolutely think a person should be who they feel they are. I unfortunately will not ever be able to reach a place as a male to female transition to make me happy, so instead of beating my head against a wall, I am trying other avenues while I join my husband on his journey.

So here I am, and this is my journey as a spouse of a female to male transitioning person. The idea of this blog is to give my feedback and to write about my own trials and tribulations on this. Unfortunately when I was first looking around I didn’t find much about the spouse of the transitioning person, and I thought maybe recording my ups and downs, frustrations and happy moments, that I could help someone in the future.

Oh, and evidently I lied, this post isn’t short at all J